Pixar Feature Film #3: Up

3. Up (2009)

Director: Pete Docter

Starring: Ed Asner, Jordan Nagai, Christopher Plummer, Bob Peterson

After WALL-E, I think the already high expectations on Pixar got dialled up even more. And Up delivered. Pete Docter bested his first effort.

Up is probably Pixar's lightest and funniest. It has brilliant voice acting (especially by Bob Peterson as Dug the dog,) and is wonderfully written. Its "failed purpose" theme makes it required viewing for crabby old guys everywhere. Hell, it deserves to win based on the the first 10 minutes of the film alone. I almost spit coke all over the theatre floor when we see that Carl and Ellie are infertile. That's a bit heavy for a kid's movie, don't you think?? Despite the outrageousness of some of the plot, there is also quite a bit of emotion in this one, so I think it strikes a good balance. Up was also the first Pixar film to be released in 3D during its initial run.

Up was only the second animated film to be nominated for Best Picture. Of course, it took the category expanding to ten nominees to finally make it happen. Up went on to lose to The Hurt Locker. It did win two Oscars: Best Animated Feature and Best Music, Original Score to Michael Giacchino. It also swept the minor circuit awards shows in these categories. It was also nominated for Best Sound Editing and Best Original Screenplay. However, it was surprised at the Annies, winning only twice, for Best Animated Feature and Directing in a Feature Production. In a very divided field, it lost out to Coraline and The Princess and the Frog in 7 categories. It grossed $731,338,164, making it Pixar's second biggest commercial success.

Pixar Feature Film #4: Monsters, Inc.

4. Monsters, Inc. (2001)

Director: Pete Docter

Starring: John Goodman, Billy Crystal, Steve Buscemi, James Coburn, Bob Peterson, Bonnie Hunt

What a surprise this was! This being the first Pixar feature not directed by John Lasseter meant we had no idea what to expect. And Pete Docter really owns this movie. The premise of the film is just so good: that when a kid says there's a monster in the closet, there really is something there. The fact that the monsters need the screams to power their city is what makes it brilliant. And they top it off with the theme that laughter is more powerful than fear. It goes from being light-hearted, to suspenseful, and then endearing, all in the span of 92 minutes.

The voice acting here is clearly the best of the best. And really, it was a risk to cast John Goodman, who had sustained box office failures in both We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story and The Emperor's New Groove. Billy Crystal provides the hilarious comic relief and makes a great sidekick for Goodman. Steve Buscemi also provides the perfect slimy dirtbag voice for Randall. Bob Peterson, who is equally as talented as a voice actor as he is a director/screenwriter, is the voice of Roz. Even two-year-old Mary Gibbs is good, providing the voice for Boo.

Here's some trivia: Randy Newman's song "If I Didn't Have You" was the first Oscar for Pixar (not including Lasseter's Special Achievement award for Toy Story) and Newman's first win in 16 nominations. It received three more nominations including Best Sound Editing, Best Music, Original Score, and a nomination for the first ever Best Animated Feature Oscar, although it would lose to Shrek. It was also dominated at the Annies, winning only once for Best Character Animation, losing to Sen to Chihiro no kamikakusi and Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron. It did, however, become the eighth highest grossing animated film of all-time, earning $525,366,597.

I wonder what they'll do for Monsters, Inc. 2. I'm thinking along the same lines as Toy Story 3, where Boo is all grown up. She'd be about 12 when this film releases. But who is directing this? It's a mystery. We can confirm that it's not Docter, Unkrich, Stanton, or Lasseter. Gary Rydstrom perhaps? Bob Peterson?

Pixar Feature Film #5: Toy Story 2

5. Toy Story 2 (1999)

Director: John Lasseter

Starring: Tom Hanks, Tim Allen, Joan Cusack, Kelsey Grammer, Don Rickles, Jim Varney, Wayne Knight

Originally intended as a direct to video sequel, this one experienced serious quality issues much like the first film and was overhauled completely in 9 months. Toy Story is definitely a character story, and you have to feel something for these characters to appreciate the film. This one reveals quite a bit of the backstory of three of the main characters. Initially, Jessie was really annoying to watch, but I thought Pixar turned a major corner with Jessie's musical number. "You never forget kids like Emily or Andy…but they forget you." I really liked Kelsey Grammar as Stinky Pete in this one. (He tells Woody that Andy won't take him to college, but if you look at the trailers for Toy Story 3, that is exactly what he does. Oh yeah!)

As mentioned before, this one received 100% positive ratings on Rotten Tomatoes, so why can't I rank it any higher? Well, we're high enough on the list now that finding fault with any of these shows is becoming really difficult. So I guess Toy Story 2 is #5 just because the top 4 were a little bit better. I guess the scenes outside of Al's apartment are just a little bit slow, but that's really the only thing.

Toy Story 2 was nominated for one lousy Oscar: Best Music, Original Song for Randy Newman's "When She Loved Me." However, in one of the rare displays demonstrating that the Golden Globes are ahead of the curve, Toy Story 2 won the Globe for Best Picture, Musical or Comedy, only the second animated film to do so. Toy Story 2 also received 7 Annies. One of those rare instances where the sequel is better than the original. Hopefully, history will repeat itself in five days.

Pixar Feature Film #6: Ratatouille

6. Ratatouille (2007)

Director: Brad Bird

Starring: Patton Oswalt, Lou Romano, Janeane Garofalo, Ian Holm, Peter O'Toole

And now, slightly better than Brad Bird's first effort was Ratatouille.

Before we go further, what's the most important aspect of making a film? Well, good writing, first of all. After that, it's editing, cinematography, and musical score, in that order. Ratatouille beats The Incredibles because the writing was just that much better.

I admit I had some serious doubts about this one when I first saw the promotional display for it in the theatre, Spring 2007. Rats don't make endearing characters, there's zero merchandising potential, and they even had to spell the name of the film phonetically on the poster, for God's sake. However, I was proven very wrong as this one made $623,707,397 at the box office.

I like this one because obviously, they were taking big risks and most of them pay off. It's basically a discrimination tale, told in a highly original format. The Linguini character is a bit bland and started to get on my nerves halfway through, but he redeems himself in the end. He's isn't nearly as bad as Mater. I think most of the dislike comes from the fact that he is the only human character without even a trace of a French accent, so that makes him even more of an outcast. Also, Michael Giacchino's musical score is one of the best around. And, I personally believe the quote at the end that "The average piece of junk is probably more meaningful than our criticism designating it so" was a direct shot at the (relatively) bad reviews that Cars received.

Ratatouille won the Oscar for Best Animated Feature. It was nominated for Best Music, Original Score, Best Achievement in Sound, Best Achievement in Sound Editing and Best Writing, Original Screenplay. It all but swept the Annies, winning 9, only losing in the Best Animated Effects category to Surf's Up.

I will leave you with what is probably my favourite clip from a Pixar film:

Pixar Feature Film #7: The Incredibles

7. The Incredibles (2004)

Director: Brad Bird

Starring: Craig T. Nelson, Holly Hunter, Jason Lee, Samuel L. Jackson

I haven't seen this one all that much. Maybe it's because the first half the movie is a little bit slow, but well worth it to get to the second half.

Rotten Tomatoes has this classified as the 16th greatest action film of all time, but its underlying themes are what distinguishes it. "They keep creating new ways to celebrate mediocrity" and the line that best sums it up "Once everyone is super, no one will be." I thought Craig T. Nelson was perfectly cast as the burned-out aging superhero Mr. Incredible and Brad Bird as Edna Mode was also fantastic.

Brad Bird had also directed The Iron Giant and I found that The Incredibles has a lot of the same comic book influences. Bird had brought over a bunch of collaborators from The Iron Giant who hadn't worked with the computer before, but they certainly made it work. Out of all 10 films, I'd have to say that visually, this one is my favourite. They took a "nothing is impossible" approach. They were animating hair and fabric underwater, hair blowing through the wind, human scenes…all of which are very difficult to animate. There were also 89 set pieces, triple that of Monsters Inc. There was a different degree of realism to this one.

The Incredibles won the Oscars for Best Animated Feature and Best Achievement in Sound Editing. It was nominated for Best Achievement in Sound Mixing and Best Writing, Original Screenplay. It was nominated for the Golden Globe for Best Picture, Musical or Comedy. It was also nominated for a record 16 Annies, winning 10.

Pixar Feature Film #8: Cars

8. Cars (2006)

Director: John Lasseter

Starring: Owen Wilson, Larry the Cable Guy, Paul Newman, Bonnie Hunt, George Carlin, Cheech Marin, Richard Petty, Michael Keaton

Alright, so Cars is a guilty pleasure of mine. Some would make the argument that this was Pixar's first stumble. It received by far the worst reviews out of any of the Pixar films…75% on the tomatometer, which was still good enough to be considered "Certified Fresh." I think it got a bad rap because it came after The Incredibles and Finding Nemo. Or maybe it's because it's Pixar's shill film; the merchandising alone topped $5 billion. The writing is weak (it directly rips off Doc Hollywood,) the musical score is kind of blah, and the voice acting (with the very notable exception of Paul Newman) is mediocre at best. I mean, Owen Wilson and Larry The Cable Guy were total duds. That Mater character really grated on my nerves by the end. I realize he's the comic relief here, but when you start comparing the character to Jar Jar Binks, that's when you know they way overdid it. And Holy God is this one long! 116 minutes is a real stretch for an animated feature when most kids these days have ADHD. The technology, however, advanced rapidly, as the computers used were 40 times faster than those used in The Incredibles, and 1000 times faster than those used in Toy Story.

I guess for me it has that children's literature charm to it. While it wasn't terribly insightful or original (Lightning McQueen learns some easy lessons, like winning isn't everything, nobody is poor who has friends, etc,) it was a lot of fun to watch. The bygone town on U.S. 66 setting was very appealing to me and well done.

Cars won the Annie, PGA Award, Saturn Award, and Golden Globe, for Best Animated Feature, but lost the Oscar to Crappy Feet, which was highway robbery (pun most certainly intended.) One more glaring example of the Academy being out of sync with the rest of the world! Grammy winner "Our Town" was also nominated for Best Music, Original Song. Cars was also the last film to involve Pixar stalwart Joe Ranft. It earned a comparatively modest $461,982,881 at the box office, Pixar's 3rd lowest total.

Cars 2 looks like a bit of a shitshow. Lightning and Mater involved in international espionage? How is that going to work? But, to be fair, when I first heard about Ratatouille, my reaction was something like "A cooking rat!? Fuck! Come on!"

Pixar Feature Film #9: Toy Story

9. Toy Story (1995)

Director: John Lasseter

Starring: Tom Hanks, Tim Allen, Don Rickles, Annie Potts, Wallace Shawn, Jim Varney, R. Lee Ermey

I'll probably get some flak for this one since it appears in everyone else's top 3. And really now, what is my problem, given that this one is rated 100% on the tomatometer and is the AFI's 99th greatest film of all time?

One thing I did not too long ago was watch Up, and then watch Toy Story right after that. And I came to a realization: Toy Story looks like shit! There's a considerable lack of texture, some of the characters look like plasticine and some of the animation is jerky and exaggerated. Even the lip syncing isn't the greatest. But when it first came on the screen, we shit our pants. Computer animation wasn't anything new, but a feature film had never been done before. It was a huge undertaking just in terms of characters and set pieces.

And it all came so close to never happening. When an early draft was screened, Disney execs hated it so much that they ground the project to a halt and order a total re-write. Woody was originally written as sarcastic jerk because Disney had told Pixar to make the film "edgy."

Toy Story lands at 9th mostly because of the story itself. While it earned a nomination for Best Original Screenplay, I felt it to be a bit tedious during the scenes in Sid's house, and leans on the computer animation gimmick too much. The franchise is definitely made up of character stories, and they're not really well-developed until Toy Story 2, which we will get to further on down the list. The story, however, has become timeless with kids, and is just as appealing now as it was 15 years ago. But, I refuse to accept that they got it perfect on the first try, and I'm sure that most Pixar staff would agree with me. After all, zero complacency and never being satisfied with results is how they got themselves to where they are today.

Toy Story earned a special achievement Oscar for John Lasseter, and was nominated for Best Music, Original Musical or Comedy Score, Best Music, Original Song, and Best Original Screenplay. It swept the Annies, winning eight, including Best Animated Feature, Individual Achievement: Animation (Pete Docter) and Individual Achievement: Writing (Andrew Stanton.) It also picked up a Golden Globe nomination for Best Picture: Comedy/Musical.

Pixar Feature Film #10: A Bug's Life

So, we've got only 10 days until the release of Toy Story 3, so here come's movie #10:

10. A Bug's Life (1998)

Director: John Lasseter

Starring: Dave Foley, Julia-Louis Dreyfus, Kevin Spacey, Denis Leary, David Hyde Pierce

We'll clear something up here right away…I frigging love A Bug's Life. Just because it came in last in this review series does not mean it was a lousy movie.

Call it second film syndrome, call it whatever, but this one just seems to lack the Pixar timelessness. I think they've buried this one underground somewhat, as it never appears in any of their trailers the way some of the other films do (i.e. "From the Creators of Toy Story, Finding Nemo, and The Incredibles…") I spent most of the film feeling sorry for Flik myself, and it was getting a little bit depressing. The Hopper character was also a little too badass to be real. I love going to the movies and rooting for the bad guys, but Hopper just doesn't have any redeeming qualities! Also, a grasshopper named Hopper? Andrew Stanton was coming off an Oscar nom for Best Original Screenplay and that was the best he could come up with?

One thing which hurt A Bug's Life was that Antz came out a month prior (as part of Jeff Katzenberg's ongoing feud with the Walt Disney Company) becoming the second feature length computer animated film. Antz was also critically successful, although A Bug's Life outperformed it at the box office.

Despite all this, it's got witty dialogue and contemporary humor to keep things entertaining for the older crowd, and there's plenty to keep the kids occupied for 96 minutes. There's also a substantial improvement in the animation despite only being three years removed from Toy Story. The crowd scenes were monumental achievements at the time.

A Bug's Life scored 91% on the tomatometer and picked up an Oscar nomination for Best Music, Original Musical or Comedy Score. It was also nominated for four Annies but lost the Animated Theatrical Feature Award to Phil "Brad" Bird's The Iron Giant. Its worldwide gross was $363,398,565, Pixar's ninth best total.

Let's Talk About Pixar Animation Studios

Throughout the history of film, there have only been a handful of movies to receive unanimously positive reviews. Looking at Rotten Tomatoes.com, there are 19 movies to receive 100% positive reviews based on 50 or more reviews, and they include such classic films as The Wizard of Oz, Citizen Kane, North by Northwest, and Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Bomb.

Toy Story and Toy Story 2 also happen to be on this list.

I try not to comment on movies that I haven't seen yet, but this, combined with the fact that Pixar has turned out the Best Animated Feature three years in a row and a Best Picture nominee last year, has expectations at an all-time high for Pixar's latest achievement, Toy Story 3. I'm also expecting a lot from Lee Unkrich who has been around Pixar since the original Toy Story and co-directed three of Pixar's better films: Toy Story 2, Monsters Inc., and Finding Nemo.

Toy Story 3 starts us off 10 years after Toy Story 2, and Andy is setting off to college. All his old toys end up being donated (by accident) to a daycare. Hell, I was almost crying in the trailer when old Andy looks on Woody and Buzz as he's packing up his old toys. I saw Toy Story when it first came out in 1995, when I was 10. It's kind of the last movie I saw as a kid. The next year, I "graduated" to more mature cinema and saw Fargo in the theatres as an 11 year old. It is still my 8th favourite movie of all-time.

So, I guess for me, the Toy Story franchise has a quite a bit of nostalgic value. Last week, Unkrich put up a contest on Twitter: post a picture of your adult self with your favourite childhood toy. And I think that's really what the essence of Toy Story 3 will be. We all have a favourite toy. Some of us are still in possession of it, and some of us aren't. It's kind of like Jessie's abandonment in Toy Story 2. Whatever became of our favourite toys?

I think that this plot will produce another success for Pixar. But what's next for them? Cars 2, Brave, and Monsters Inc. 2. So Pixar will not put out an original concept until 2012; a three-year gap between Up and Brave. In light of all these sequels, and the return to the "Disney Princess Formula" coupled with the shit-canning of Newt, I think that Pixar may have jumped the shark. I'm afraid the creative juices may be drying up in Emeryville.

Nevertheless, starting tomorrow, I will rank and review all 10 of Pixar Animation Studios' feature-length productions in anticipation of Toy Story 3's North American release on June 19.

82nd Academy Awards Predictions

Last year, I was 20/24 in Oscar predictions, which I'm pretty sure I'll never beat.

Best Picture

Should win: Up

Will win: The Hurt Locker

I can't say why a particular film deserves to win, but I can tell you why each one won't win. The Hurt Locker? Early release date and small box office. Avatar? All flash and no story. A Serious Man? Coens have won too recently. Up? A token pick; The Academy actually hates animated flicks. An Education? Produced outside the U.S. and lost the BAFTA. District 9? See Avatar. Inglorious Basterds? Too "trendy." The Blind Side? Too cliche. Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire? Too depressing. Up In The Air? Glib, superficial, and a total chick flick. Come to think of it, that makes it perfect Oscar bait. And with 10 nominees, that makes an upset all the more possible.

The pick is Up because not only should Wall-E have been nominated last year, it should have won the damn thing. I demand retribution for that in the form of a win for Disney/Pixar. Despite being somewhere in the middle of Pixar's list, it is one of its lightest and funniest. Up has brilliant voice acting, technical competence, and is wonderfully written. Its "failed purpose" theme makes it required viewing for crabby old guys everywhere. Hell, it deserves to win based on the first 10 minutes of the film alone.

Best Director

Should win: Quentin Tarantino

Will win: Kathryn Bigelow

Tarantino is going to be the next Marty Scorsese…I can't see him winning until he turns 95 too. Bigelow and her low-budget film beat her ex-husband and his megabucks magnum opus. Sweet revenge. Tarantino gets my nod for this year's prestige pic and a great ensemble cast performance, but the director usually has to win for the film to win it all.

Best Actor

Should win: Morgan Freeman

Will win: Jeff Bridges

We've seen this scenario before, haven't we? I'm thinking Mickey Rourke vs. Sean Penn of last year. And Bridges played basically the same character that Rourke did. I believe Clooney is a real contender. My pick is for Morgan Freeman despite playing an "Oscar-bait" role, but he won't win because he's won too recently in a Clint Eastwood film. And watch out for Colin Firth, everybody! Big upset potential.

Best Actress

Should win: Meryl Streep

Will win: Sandra Bullock

Tough call here. Sandra Bullock hasn't seemed to win over the critics, judging by the minor league awards, but I think the Academy will carry her through. Academy seems to like a comeback role, even though Streep was better. However, The Blind Side was better than Julie and Julia by a lot, so I'm torn. My gut instinct still tells me Streep will win, just as it was correct two years ago in telling me that Cotillard would upset Christie. Oh well…

Best Original Screenplay

Should win: Up

Will win: The Hurt Locker

Good field this year, and a tough one to pick. Writer's Guild was kind of all over the map this year, and I can't believe that Avatar was nominated for their original screenplay award. Gotta go with Up to support my Best Picture claim above, but I would not be upset at all to see A Serious Man win either. And since Ebert has called this one for Inglorious Basterds, it's wide open as far as I'm concerned. My streak of 14 consecutive correct picks in the writing categories could be at risk. Hurt Locker won the Guild award, but did not compete against Up and Inglorious Basterds.

Best Adapted Screenplay

Should win: Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire

Will win: Up in the Air

Having seen only three of the films, I can only guess. I'll go with what the Guild said and pick Up in the Air to win because of the whole "unemployment bad economy" thing it has going on, which the voters seem to like for some reason. District 9? Give me a break.

Best Supporting Actor

Should win: Christoph Waltz

Will win: Christoph Waltz

Have to agree with them on something. Strong multi-lingual comedic performance combined with an extraordinarily weak field in this category make Waltz my 2010 Academy Awards Lock of the Week. Hopefully, newcomer status doesn't hurt him.

Best Supporting Actress

Should win: Mo'nique

Will win: Mo'nique

Penelope Cruz plays a crazy ex-lover so well that she should win an Oscar. Oh wait, she did. Last year. Same role. Mo'nique's character was a bit too nuts to be really convincing, but there's not much competition. If Maggie Gyllenhaal wins, I'll be livid…she was brutal in Crazy Heart and should not be nominated.

And the rest:

Animated Feature Film: Up

Art Direction: Avatar

Cinematography: The Hurt Locker

Costume Design: The Young Victoria

Documentary Feature: The Cove

Documentary Short: The Last Truck: Closing of a GM Plant

Film Editing: The Hurt Locker

Foreign Language Film: Das Weisse Band

Makeup: Star Trek

Music (Original Score): Up

Music (Original Song): "The Weary Kind (Theme from Crazy Heart)"

Short Film (Animated): A Matter of Loaf and Death

Short Film (Live Action): The Door

Sound Editing: Avatar

Sound Mixing: Avatar

Visual Effects: Avatar

Let's Talk About A Serious Man...

In a year of mostly sub-par movies, A Serious Man is like a flower that grew out of a pot of dirt. It's the kind of film one gets to make after winning the Best Picture Oscar.

This one probably isn't going to make much sense unless you know a little bit about the story of Job, which attempts to reconcile the existence of suffering or evil with the existence of God. Job was blessed with wealth and family, so basically, God made a bet with Satan that allowed Satan to remove those things, and still, Job would continue to praise God. Once his possessions and children are taken away, Job's wife suggests that Job "curse God and die." Despite his difficult circumstances, he does not curse God, but rather curses the day of his birth.

Knowing this, we can find the links and similarities between Job and Larry Gopnik. Larry never curses God; this is proven in the scene at the pool with his brother, where his brother blames Hashem for all his problems, but Larry does not agree. When Larry goes to the senior Rabbi, Rabbi Marshak, or the one who is closest to God, he is too busy to see him. This symbolizes the ridiculousness of spirituality being able to answer life's questions. And of course, the tornado at the end alludes to God speaking to Job from the whirlwind, saying that He will not explain why these bad things are happening to him. "Accept the mystery," Clive's father tells Larry, when confronted about the envelope of money left on his desk. Larry also says in his lecture: "The Uncertainty Principle. It proves we can't ever really know...what's going on. So it shouldn't bother you. Not being able to figure anything out. Although you will be responsible for it on the mid-term."

There are other religious allusions as well: Larry looking from his roof to see Mrs. Samsky sunbathing nude in the backyard is similar to King David seeing Bathsheba. My own interpretation is that Mrs. Samsky is a pleasing form of the devil, trying to tempt Larry to commit adultery.

What really ties the film together nicely is the allusion to Schrodinger's cat. Very simply stated, Schrodinger proposed an experiment where a cat in a closed box was either alive or dead depending on the state of a subatomic particle. The thought experiment serves to illustrate the bizarre nature of quantum mechanics. We see this at the end, when Larry is agonizing over whether or not to accept Clive's bribe. Almost as soon as he does, he receives a phone call from his doctor indicating bad medical news.

When all else fails, know that the first five minutes (the Eastern Europe scene) explains the rest of the movie: "Receive with simplicity everything that happens to you." The alternative, according to the Coens, is to curse God and die.

This can be a frustrating picture to get through at first, especially if you don't get some of the references, since the story doesn't seem to go anywhere and nothing seems to happen. But a little research goes a long way to really appreciating this one.

Let's Talk About Avatar...

(Caution: May contain traces of spoilers...)


You might have heard of it. That movie with the blue aliens? James Cameron's big bad-ass $200 million comeback picture? The one that is critically acclaimed and Rotten Tomatoes Certified Fresh? I saw it on Boxing Day and thought I would give it a few days before I commented.

Let's get this out of the way early: the film is a technical masterpiece. The editing, visual effects, sound, sound editing, musical score...it all kicks ass. Unfortunately, watching it in the 3rd row in 3D doesn't kick ass. I was constantly swatting at the bugs in front of my face. So what's my problem? I've heard the word "revolutionary" being thrown around in reference to this picture. And that's not entirely accurate. The film makes extensive use of performance capture, which is 14 years old. The 200 people in the world who owned an Atari Jaguar would know this. Beyond that, we saw it in The Mummy, the Star Wars prequels, the King Kong remake, Lord of the Rings, Monster House, Crappy Feet, The Polar Express, and many more. James Cameron has been on the visual effects frontier before: remember when the T-1000 melts into a puddle and then reconstructs? We shit our pants! But we were also witnessing major breakthroughs in CGI. Now, Cameron finds himself 10 years behind the curve. He did make some improvements to performance capture though, like better facial expressions. But it wasn't the same, because you knew exactly how it was going on. All those Na'vi people were actually wearing body suits covered with many small sensors and performing in front of a green screen. It was better in the case of Terminator 2 when you had no idea how these effects were being created, or even in the original Star Wars trilogy, when all the alien creatures were actual physical manifestations, and the way the human characters interacted with them.


Cameron says his inspiration for the film was "every single science fiction book I read as a kid." He should have thrown in a few films too. Every time I think about it, I find more films that Avatar directly ripped off: The Matrix, Pocahontas, Braveheart, Dances with Wolves, The Core, and FernGully. It even rips off Brother Bear, which itself is a retread of The Lion King. Are we so desperate for ideas that we're now on 3rd generation retreads? Further proof that there are only 14 scripts in Hollywood.


This is one movie that you have to shut your critical self off for, or else you'll be shooting holes in the plot the whole time. The most glaring one is the unobtainium (which is slightly less valuable then nevergetium), which has anti-gravitational properties. The corporation wants this one plot of land so they can strip mine it, but the natives refuse to move because they consider it holy ground. But are there not entire mountains of the stuff floating in the sky where no natives are living? What's the reasoning here? Any sensible resource company would do anything to avoid fighting a war. It's very expensive, and bad PR.


If I were an American soldier, I would be really offended by this movie. The security personnel in this film are depicted as low-IQ morons who kill without feeling, with one exception. And the Colonel Quaritch character is so cliche and "Hoo-rah!" that I knew what he was going to say before he said it. When they are killing natives, it is depicted as a tragedy. When the natives are killing them, it's depicted as jolly good fun. That's the picture of morality that Cameron paints in this film: no grey areas. You either sing and dance in the forest with the Na'vi, or you burn their babies alive and piss on the ashes. Not exactly fair, is it? I also enjoyed the slow motion used in the battle scenes. Every war flick since All Quiet on the Western Front has done it. I thought it was a nice touch.




***SPOILER ALERT!***






To be fair, none of it would have mattered if the film had had a twist ending. I needed to be wowed in the end to make up for the previous two and a half hours. And it set itself up for a twist pretty well, in my opinion. I was expecting Jake Sully to die, or perhaps Neytiri, or maybe the Jake Sully avatar would die and he would end up going back to earth with the rest of them. Who knows. But, no, Cameron presses the religion button very hard, confirms the existence of a soul, and has it transferred to the Avatar body. There's your Deus Ex Machina to top it all off. Everything is wrapped up in a neat little package and the audience goes home feeling good.


So anyway, go see Avatar if you must, and shell out the extra couple of bucks to see it in 3D. But if you don't like science fiction or appreciate good screenwriting, you'll be in for a rough ride.

Last Post - April 19, 2009

My goodness...I've really neglected this thing. Any self-respecting blog writer would have let it die already. But honestly, I don't know very many people who are still blogging. These days, it's all Facebook and Twitter, and that if you can't express what's on your mind in 140 or fewer characters, it's just not worth knowing about. Indeed, the world has moved on.

I've had a quick read through the archives of this blog and the last thing of any real substance was written in early 2008. So why am I not writing? Well, I am also guilty of the Facebook and Twitter fad, and it also occurred to me that nothing about the last two years is really worth remembering.

I stumbled across this post in the archives and thought I should provide an update: none of that stuff happened when it was supposed to. I realize I still have three days to get out of my parents' basement but I don't think I can get organized that quickly. At least my exit plan is bankrolled and is slightly more tangible now (it at least has a physical address), but the date still needs to be confirmed. As for the flying aspect, it's still on the go (my medical expires tomorrow and there's no date of getting that renewed) but very much reduced. I read that post and wondered what the fuck is the point of setting goals if you're not even going to make a half-assed attempt? Well, sometimes it's positive to take a step back and figure out what it is you really want, and flying as a career was much to risky considering what I had on the go.

I've written before about work angst. I do still work at Labatt, which I consider to be nothing short of a miracle, accounting for the rapid turnover in the last couple of years. Not only that, but I have advanced twice...now currently to a position for which I am far undereducated (my Halifax counterpart is a P. Eng) More on that later, I think.

I'm not making a promise to write more frequently, because I may not honour it, nor would I ever consider posting any of this shit on Facebook. Just know for now that I'm still alive.

Stupid music meme

Read Instructions! Using only song names from ONE ARTIST/BAND, cleverly answer these questions. Try not to repeat a song title.
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1. Pick Your Artist: Steve Winwood

2. Are you male or female? I'm A Man

3. Describe yourself: No Face, No Name, No Number

4. Describe where you currently live? Dirty City

5. If you could go anywhere, where would you go? Shanghai Noodle Factory

6. Your favourite form/type of transportation? Night Train

7. Your favourite shape is? Arc of a Diver

8. What's the weather like? Coloured Rain

9. Favourite day of the week? Every Day (Oh Lord)

10. If your life was a TV show, what would it be called? Still In The Game

11. What is life to you? Happy Vibes

12. What is the best advice you have to give? Roll With It

13. If you could change your name, what would it be? John Barleycorn

14. Thought for the Day: (Sometimes I Feel So) Uninspired

15. How I would like to die? Shoot Out At The Fantasy Factory

16. Describe your friends: Forty Thousand Headmen

17. My soul's present condition: Back In The High Life Again

2008 NFL Season Predictions

Wow. It’s football season already, and time for me to make some hilarious predictions about how it’s going to go. As some of you may remember, I predicted a Dallas/Miami Super Bowl in 2006 and a New England/New Orleans Super Bowl in 2007. This year, I believe the big game will feature the San Diego Chargers taking on the Minnesota Vikings, with the Chargers winning. Mark it down.

As well, I like to say a little bit about each team, just because it’s funny at the end of the season. Occasionally, I get one right, such as my prediction that Favre would have a monster season last year and that the Chargers would finally win a playoff game. However, I also called the Randy Moss trade “questionable,” and that the Giants would finish last in the NFC East and that Tom Coughlin would be fired…

AFC East
New England – You think the Patriots played angry after being caught cheating? You just wait and see how angry they are about their 18-1 season! Can they repeat as division champs for another year? Hell yes.
Buffalo – The Bills showed flashes of brilliance last season but need consistency to make the playoffs. I like Marshawn Lynch (assuming he can stop running people over with his car) and as long as JP Losman is prevented from seeing the field, the Bills will be fine.
NY Jets – Yeah, a lot of hype surrounding the Jets these days. Favre’s not going to do that well because the Jets don’t have a running back and their defence is pretty shabby looking. Both of these items were more important to Green Bay’s winning season last year than Favre was.
Miami – I predict the Dolphins will be picking Tim Tebow at next year’s draft, and then they might be able to do some damage. I think the Dolphins will qunituple their win total from last year, but there a lot of holes on this team on all sides.

AFC West
San Diego – The Chargers had a quiet offseason, the sort of thing you’d expect from a team that lost the AFC Championship. I say they can make it there again, and win this time. No Lorenzo Neal, so I would caution against taking Tomlinson at the top of your fantasy draft. I also wouldn’t put too much stock in Shawne Merriman…his knee is going to explode at some point this season.
Denver – Who knows. Jay Cutler might be good some day. I think he still sucks, and the Broncos will struggle to make the playoffs. They have two good DB’s, but no one else who can play defence.
Oakland – There’s still a lack of receiver talent here so JaMarcus isn’t going to put up good numbers. All he has to do is hand the ball off and things will be fine for the most part.
Kansas City – Name a player on the Kansas City Chiefs other than Larry Johnson. I can’t.

AFC South
Jacksonville – Taking a bit of a risk here, but I think they’ll win the season series with the Colts this year which will be enough. Garrard doesn’t make many mistakes and is supported by a great running game.
Indianapolis – The MVP of this team is out for 6 weeks. I’m talking of course about Jeff Saturday. I assure you that Manning and Addai’s numbers are going to fall because of this. They have a bitch of a schedule to get through.
Tennessee – Not sure what the Titans are going to do this season. I know they had a horrible draft, but they kept a good chunk of their defence together and added Alge Crumpler. I think they’re a .500 team for now. It’s a shame because their D-line is probably the best in the league.
Houston – If they can get better pass protection, they might get their first winning season, but I don’t think it’s going to happen this time. Mario Williams will lead the league in sacks this year.

AFC North
Pittsburgh – Managed to keep the best defence in the league together. They also happen to have a quarterback with a 104.1 rating and the third best running game in the league.
Cleveland – At first, I picked the Browns to win the division, and then I remembered last season how terrible their defence was. I’ll give them a wildcard spot anyway.
Baltimore – Once again, the Ravens failed to assemble a passing game. They still look pretty good at DB and LB, even if they are getting older and slower.
Cincinnati – The Benglas can’t seem to keep their players out of jail. Palmer can be good, but needs the running game to open things up. Looks like a rebuilding year for them.

AFC Playoffs
(6) Cleveland vs. (3) Pittsburgh: Steelers
(5) Indianapolis vs. (4) Jacksonville: Colts

(5) Indianapolis vs. (1) New England: Patriots
(3) Pittsburgh vs. (2) San Diego: Chargers

(2) San Diego vs. (1) New England: Chargers


NFC North
Minnesota – Once again, all the pieces are there, except at QB. Good thing the QB talent is equally poor among the other three teams in this division, and that the Vikings have super back-up Gus Frerotte in case things go sour. Number one running game and number one run defence should be enough to win this division.
Green Bay – What’s lost in this QB soap opera in Green Bay is just how good the receivers and running backs are. I’ll wager that the Packers finish with a better record than the Jets.
Detroit – I enjoyed the Lions awesome roll to the playoffs last year (starting 6-2, ending 8-8, losing the second wildcard to the Skins.) Kitna is like the McCown sisters: should not start full time. Offence is full of rookies, but the defence which was dead last in the league last year looks like it got better.
Chicago – The Bears are cover-your-eyes bad this season. It won’t surprise me if they win the Tebow sweepstakes. They need him bad.

NFC South
New Orleans – This pick is kind of contingent on the Superdome not getting destroyed by another hurricane. Brees and Colston will continue to be productive, while Reggie Bush will continue to suck.
Carolina – Bit of a dark horse pick this year, but the Panthers really struggled with injuries last season. As far as I’m concerned, they still have the right people. Steve Smith just needs to stop injuring his own teammates. Muhsin Muhammed is back and put up very good numbers the last time he was here.
Tampa Bay – Their defence is older and slower, and so is their quarterback. Looks like a pretty average team.
Atlanta – Rookie quarterback + rookie head coach = last place. They cast the veterans away and got some fairly decent replacements in the draft.

NFC East
Dallas – They look good on both sides of the ball and will have good season. I think they’ll be able to match their 13-3 record from last season.
NY Giants – Super Bowl MVP or not, Eli Manning still sucks. He is a streaky player who just happened to get hot at the right time. They will get off to a fast start and then lose out in December and miss the playoffs.
Philadelphia – SI picked them to win the NFC, so they’re out. Really, there’s nothing that impressive about them, and their crappy O-line pretty much assures that McNabb’s going to get hurt again.
Washington – Rookie head coach here, so maybe next year.

NFC West
Seattle – Still have a great front seven and a good O-line which will be enough to win the division yet again.
Arizona – Warner’s starting at QB which isn’t good news. There’s not much of a running game here so they’re not going to be able to get much going.
St. Louis – Had a ton of injuries this season and should get better with the return of Marc Bulger. They do have a problem with depth though.
San Francisco – Their starting quarterback, J.T. O’Sullivan, had a rating of 48.2 last season which speaks volumes about how badly Alex Smith sucks. To make matters worse, Mike Martz doesn’t run the ball, so the 49ers aren’t going to get anything going on offence. I like Patrick Willis on defence, but he can’t do it all on his own.

NFC Playoffs
(6) Carolina vs. (3) New Orleans: Panthers
(5) Green Bay vs. (4) Seattle: Seahawks

(6) Carolina vs. (1) Dallas: Panthers
(4) Seattle vs. (2) Minnesota: Vikings

(6) Carolina vs. (2) Minnesota: Vikings

Everyone's a critic

Saw this on Battle of Alberta and I thought I'd do it.

1. Worst well-regarded film: This one's easy: Lawrence of Arabia. Four hours of walking through the desert. All style, no substance, and it's AFI's #5 movie of all time.

2. Most overhyped film (note that this is slightly different from above; the first measures the absolute badness level, while the second measures the delta between reputation and actual quality): I imagine that once I see The Dark Knight, that will be the answer to this question. The fact that it's on the top of IMDb's Top 250 is a really good indication of hype. For now, the answer to this one is The Matrix.

3. Worst film to win a best picture Oscar: Most of you are probably expecting me to say Million Dollar Baby. The only reason I'm not is because it was pulled from a weak crop of films that year. In the end, I'm going to have to go with The English Patient. It beat two vastly superior films: Fargo and Shine. Just die already! Nobody cares about your time in the stupid desert!

4. Most disappointing film (ie should have been good but wasn't--Godfather III, Phantom Menace, the latest Indiana Jones atrocity) It's hard to remember a film that was supposed to be good. Generally, they fall off the face of the planet and aren't heard from much. I seem to remember that The Legend of Bagger Vance was supposed to be good, and was god-awful. I'll never go to another movie that was recommended by Oprah.

5. Worst movie, full stop. (Must have been a major motion picture release--no direct-to-video, or film festival torture tactics, please) Very tough call here. There are a lot of terrible movies out there, but a lot of them can be appreciated at some level due to their camp value. No, a truly terrible movie is one that tries to be good and then badly misses the mark. I don't think one can argue that Daddy Day Camp and Norbit ever try to be good. Therefore, my worst movie ever? Continuing with the Matt Damon theme from the previous category: Pearl Harbor.

Kevin Lowe should take notes...

...from the Atlanta Falcons on how to properly re-build a team. Look at their off-season so far:

DEPARTURES
Alge Crumpler
Warrick Dunn
Dwayne Blakley
Demorrio Williams
Todd Watkins
Byron Leftwich
Wayne Gandy
Rod Coleman
Lewis Sanders
Jamin Elliott
Marcus Wilkins
P.J. Alexander
Jordan Beck

ARRIVALS
Michael Turner
Ben Hartsock
Erik Coleman
Von Hutchins
Rashad Moore
Kindal Moorehead
Simon Fraser
Tim Anderson
Alex Stepanovich
Jason Rader

Almost all of the departures are veteran players with big salaries and the arrivals (with the exception of Turner) are more or less warm bodies. By signing young free agents, GM (and former Guelph Gryphon) Thomas Dimitroff is doing two things: keeping salary cap room available and getting players who should still be at their peak if and when the Falcons get back to respectability.

There are reports of DeAngelo Hall being traded to Oakland for a second and sixth round pick, so long as a new contract is hammered out. There are also rumours that the Falcons will trade the 3rd overall pick in the draft. Both of these news items are music to my ears. For one, Hall is an overrated piece of shit and I look forward to seeing Hines Ward, after losing a shoe, beating him on a skinny post and then outrunning him to the endzone in another team's uniform. For another, Dimitroff was Director of College Scouting for the New England Patriots, and many of the players involved in the Pats 18-1 season and three Super Bowls were evaluated, scouted, and drafted by Dimitroff. The more draft picks the better; the Falcons need upgrades at just about every position (DL, DB, LB, OL, TE, QB) and it's not going to hurt them to slide down as low as 15th overall and throw a dart at the best player still available. The Falcons would have 11 selections pending the Hall trade, including the Raiders and Texans 2nd rounders, and they're also likely to pick up a 4th round compensatory selection for Patrick Kerney.

From the Atlanta Falcons Blog: "I can't imagine even the most optimistic Falcons fan is expecting much from the team in 2008. As long as no one is detained at the airport for carrying a pot-concealing water bottle or is sent to prison for murdering puppies, it'll be a successful season. And that's probably the best attitude to take. That way, if the team somehow manages to win five or six games, it'll be a pleasant surprise as the front office prepares to make another top-5 pick in a year's time."

Alberta Election Predictions

Here are my predictions:
Seats
PC: 50
LIB: 27
NDP: 4
WRA: 2

Popular Vote
PC: 43%
LIB: 30%
NDP: 11%
WRA: 9%
GRN: 7%

Since poll results never give a regional breakdown, my predictions are based on the assumption that the Wildrose Alliance will play a big factor in the Liberals picking up seats in Calgary, but I have no idea how their campaign has been going there, if at all.

It's very puzzling how some people seem convinced that the Progressive Conservatives are going to lose this one. I think the NDP will keep the seats they have, but I think it would be funny to see Mason lose.

I have a prediction for each riding listed below. Some of the highlights (or lowlights, depending on your views) include Minister of Advanced Education and Technology Doug Horner losing to Ray Boudreau, Link Byfield winning one for the Wildrose Alliance, super-candidate Arthur Kent losing to Dave Taylor, and Independent Dan Backs losing his seat. And of course, we're all going to enjoy seeing Craig Chandler crash and burn.

Seems I actually know a few people running in this election:

• Jason Nishiyama, the NDP candidate in Calgary-Egmont; a former cadet officer
  
• Raj Sherman, running for the PCs in Edmonton Meadowlark; my landlord for a couple of years
  
• While I haven’t personally met him, Edmonton Mill-Creek’s NDP candidate Stephen Anderson is engaged to a former Lister floormate of mine.

Airdrie-Chestermere: Rob Anderson, PC
Athabasca-Redwater: Bill Bonko, LIB
Banff-Cochrane: Janis Tarchuk, PC
Barrhead-Morinville-Westlock: Ken Kowalski, PC
Battle River-Wainwright: Doug Griffiths, PC
Bonnyville-Cold Lake: Genia Leskiw, PC
Calgary-Bow: Alana DeLong, PC
Calgary-Buffalo: Kent Hehr, PC
Calgary-Cross: Yvonne Fritz, PC
Calgary-Currie: Dave Taylor, LIB
Calgary-East: Bill Harvey, LIB
Calgary-Egmont: Cathie Williams, LIB
Calgary-Elbow: Craig Cheffins, LIB
Calgary-Fish Creek: Heather Forsyth, PC
Calgary-Foothills: Len Webber, PC
Calgary-Fort: Carole Oliver, LIB
Calgary-Glenmore: Ron Stevens, PC
Calgary-Hays: Art Johnson, PC
Calgary-Lougheed: David Rodney, PC
Calgary-MacKay: Tianna Melnyk. LIB
Calgary-McCall: Darshan King, LIB
Calgary-Montrose: Michael Embaie, LIB
Calgary-Mountain View: David Swann, LIB
Calgary-North Hill: Pat Murray, LIB
Calgary-North West: Dale Martin D’Silva, LIB
Calgary-Nose Hill: Len Borowski, LIB
Calgary-Shaw: Cindy Ady, PC
Calgary-Varsity: Harry Chase, LIB
Calgary-West: Ron Liepert, PC
Cardston-Taber-Warner: Paul Hinman, WRA
Cypress-Medicine Hat: Leonard Mitzel, PC
Drayton Valley-Calmar: Diana McQueen, PC
Drumheller-Stettler: Jack Hayden, PC
Dunvegan-Central Peace: Hector Goudreau, PC
Edmonton-Beverly-Clareview: Ray Martin, NDP
Edmonton-Calder: David Eggen, NDP
Edmonton-Castle Downs: Chris Kibermanis, LIB
Edmonton-Centre: Laurie Blakeman, LIB
Edmonton-Decore: Bill Bonko, LIB
Edmonton-Ellerslie: Bharat Agnihotri, LIB
Edmonton-Glenora: Bruce Miller, LIB
Edmonton-Gold Bar: Hugh MacDonald, LIB
Edmonton-Highlands-Norwood: Brian Mason, NDP
Edmonton-Manning: Peter Sandhu, PC
Edmonton-McClung: Mo Elsalhy, LIB
Edmonton-Meadowlark: Raj Sherman, PC
Edmonton-Mill Creek: Gene Zwozdesky, PC
Edmonton-Mill Woods: Weslyn Mather, LIB
Edmonton-Riverview: Kevin Taft, LIB
Edmonton-Rutherford: Fred Horne, PC
Edmonton-Strathcona: Rachel Notley, NDP
Edmonton-Whitemud: Dave Hancock, PC
Foothills-Rocky View: Ted Morton, PC
Fort McMurray-Wood Buffalo: Guy Boutilier, PC
Fort Saskatchewan-Vegreville: Ed Stelmach, PC
Grande Prairie-Smoky: Mel Knight, PC
Grande Prairie-Wapiti: Wayne Drysdale, PC
Highwood: George Groeneveld, PC
Innisfail-Sylvan Lake: Luke Ouellette, PC
Lac La Biche-St. Paul: Ray Danyluk, PC
Lacombe-Ponoka: Ray Prins, PC
Leduc-Beaumont-Devon: George Rogers, PC
Lesser Slave Lake: Pearl Calahasen, PC
Lethbridge-East: Bridget Pastoor, LIB
Lethbridge-West: Bal Boora, LIB
Little Bow: Barry McFarland, PC
Livingstone-Macleod: Evan Berger, PC
Medicine Hat: Rob Renner, PC
Olds-Didsbury-Three Hills: Richard Marz, PC
Peace River: Frank Oberle, PC
Red Deer-North: Mary-Anne Jablonski, PC
Red Deer-South: Cal Dallas, PC
Rocky Mountain House: Ty Lund, PC
Sherwood Park: Iris Evans, PC
Spruce Grove-Sturgeon-St. Albert: Ray Boudreau, LIB
St. Albert: Jack Flaherty, LIB
Stony Plain: Fred Lindsay, PC
Strathcona: Dave Quest, PC
Strathmore-Brooks: Arno Doerksen, PC
Vermilion-Lloydminster: Lloyd Snelgrove, PC
West Yellowhead: Robin Campbell, PC
Wetaskiwin-Camrose: Verlyn Olsen, PC
Whitecourt-Ste. Anne: Link Byfield, WRA

2007 NFL All-Loser Team

The All-Pro team was announced three weeks ago, but what I like to do is honour the individuals who make the NFL the National Felons League. To make the team, one must commit a crime or otherwise be an embarrassment to the league in the year 2007. This year, the field was quite large, so I selected the worst offenders, or just the funniest or most idiotic cases. Here goes:

QB: Michael Vick, Atlanta Falcons – This man needs no introduction. He dominated the headlines and sports talk radio over the summer. Because the field of loser QB’s this season is pretty thin, Vick would have earned this spot for the water bottle incident at Miami airport. Never mind the fact that he was bankrolling a dogfighting ring…Vick was sentenced to 23 months, and most sources say that he is now broke despite the largest contract in the league and numerous endorsement deals. At the end of his career, he will no doubt be inducted into the Sports Loser Hall of Shame right next to Rae Carruth and Mike Danton.

RB: Najeh Davenport, Pittsburgh Steelers – In October, he was charged with domestic violence, child endangerment, and unlawful restraint involving the mother of his five year old son. He pleaded not guilty.

RB: Dominic Rhodes, Oakland Raiders – Went 81 in a 55 zone, failed two sobriety tests and claimed he “only had two or three.” He was given a 180 day suspended sentence and was suspended for the first four games of the season.

WR: Chris Henry, Cincinnati Bengals – A chronic rubby-dub and substance abuser, Henry was suspended for 8 games this season stemming from an incident where he provided alcohol to minors.

WR: Koren Robinson, Green Bay Packers – This boozebag was sentenced to 90 days in February for fleeing from police and served this sentence concurrently with another 90 days for a separate drunk driving case. He was reinstated in October, and collected 8 catches for 63 yards and a touchdown.

TE: Jerramy Stevens, Tampa Bay Buccaneers – He has received several reckless driving charges in the past including one in 2001 where he crashed his car into a nursing home. This year, Stevens was charged with DUI and marijuana possession. His neighbours in his condo complex have also complained that he barfs on their doors and leaves used condoms on the back porch for the kids to find.

OT: Levi Jones, Cincinnati Bengals – Involved in a casino brawl with fellow all-loser Joey Porter (see below) because Porter allegedly stole Jones’ jewellery. I can see it now...a 307 lb. tackle screaming in the middle of a casino “That’s my purse!”

OT: Khalif Barnes, Jacksonville Jaguars – Pulled a trifecta: arrested for speeding and DUI in a car with expired plates. Barnes also called the officer a “KKK devil who hates all colored people.” Barnes was sentenced to six months probation, 50 hours of community service, and had his license suspended for six months.

OG: Ross Verba, Free agent – Arrested last January for passing bad checks in Nevada and was released by the Lions in February. Who taught him how to manage his money? Darren McCarty?

OG: Claude Terrell, Free Agent – Beat up his wife while he was already on probation for beating up another family member. And I thought my family was dysfunctional. The Rams released him after the incident which is pretty serious since the Rams already had 9 injured linemen.

C: Stocker McDougle, Jacksonville Jaguars – Bounced a $1200 cheque at a plant nursery. When the owner claimed McDougle owed him interest over it, McDougle pushed the 65 year old man causing him to fall over. He is now facing battery charges.

DL: Anthony Hargrove, Buffalo Bills – Hargrove was suspended for four games in 2007 for failing a drug test. He was also charged with criminal mischief, resisting arrest, and harassment after a confrontation with police outside a nightclub.

DL: Tank Johnson, Dallas Cowboys – Shortly after being released from jail for numerous firearm related crimes (he likes to keep loaded assault rifles around children) he was arrested for speeding and was suspected of driving while impaired. He was suspended for half the regular season.

DL: Fred Evans, Minnesota Vikings – Got in a dispute with a taxi driver, then resisted arrest and bit a police officer. He was then tasered and charged with battery on a police officer, resisting arrest, disorderly conduct and trespassing. He was already on probation for marijuana possession.

LB: Justin Durant, Jacksonville Jaguars – On Nov. 3, Durant was found passed out in his Escalade at an exit ramp with an open road pop sitting next to him. Then, possibly trying to compare himself to Muhatma Gandhi, he was also charged with “resisting arrest without violence.”

LB: Nick Barnett, Green Bay Packers – Charged with battery for shoving a woman to the ground who wanted his autograph at a nightclub. His antics spilled onto the field this year, as the 232 lb. Barnett claimed that 66 year old umpire Jim Quirk “assaulted” him while trying to break up a fight in a game against the Bears (Quirk was subsequently fined.) Sissy…

LB: Joey Porter, Miami Dolphins – Shot in the ass in 2003, the NFL’s second dirtiest player (Rodney Harrison is number one) was at it again, this time punching Levi Jones in the face in a casino, splitting him open. He pleaded guilty to misdemeanour battery and paid a $1000 fine and was also fined three game cheques.

LB: Odell Thurman, Cincinnati Bengals – Some depth here at the linebacker position, as usual. Boozer, user, drunk driver. Thurman was sentenced to 90 days for DUI, and was wanted for an assault, but the charges were eventually dismissed. Thurman also applied for reinstatement and was denied by Roger Goodell.

DB: Adam “Pacman“ Jones, Tennessee Titans – At a Las Vegas strip club, Pacman beat up a stripper for taking his money without his permission. Then, he threatened to kill one of the security guards. One of his entourage fired three shots into the crowd and paralyzed a man from the waist down. Jones pleaded no contest and received a one year suspended sentence and 200 hours of community service. He was also suspended for the entire season.

DB: Justin Miller, New York Jets – Punched a woman at a nightclub and was charged with misdemeanour assault. Miller won the fastest man competition at last February’s Pro Bowl, but couldn’t outrun the NYPD.

SS: Jarrod Cooper, Oakland Raiders – Tested positive for anabolic steroids, got suspended and released, and then of course the Raiders resigned him after the suspension was over.

FS: Dexter Reid, Free agent – Reid was pulled over in March when he was suspected of drunk driving, when the police found marijuana and a concealed weapon in his car. Then, in September, Reid parked in a handicap space at a Chick-fil-a while he went in to get some fried chicken. An officer told him he had to move the car or have it towed. Reid gave the officer permission to move the car. That’s when the officer found a loaded semi-automatic pistol in the car. Wow.

What I am thinking

Do I have an original thought in my head, my bald head? Maybe if I were happier my hair wouldn’t be falling out. Life is short. I need to make the most of it. Today’s the first day of the rest of my life. I’m a walking cliché. I really need to go to the doctor and have my heart checked. There’s something wrong. Maybe if I were happier, my blood pressure would be normal. The dentist called again; I’m way overdue. If I stopped putting things off, I would be happier. All I do is sit on my ass. I should start jogging again. Five miles a day. Really do it this time. Maybe rock climbing. I need to turn my life around. What do I need to do? I need to fall in love. I need to have a girlfriend. I need to read more and prove myself. What if I learned Russian or something? Or joined a band? I could speak Chinese. I would be the lab technician who speaks Chinese and plays in a ska band. That would be cool. I should get my hair cut short; stop trying to fool myself and everyone else into thinking I have a full head of hair. How pathetic is that? Just be real, confident. Isn’t that what women are attracted to? Men don’t have to be attractive. But that’s not true, especially these days. Almost as much pressure on men as there is on women these days. If I had money I would be happier. I wouldn't have to drive an 88 Jetta with the bumper falling off. Why should I be made to feel I have to apologize for my existence? Maybe it’s my brain chemistry. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with me: bad chemistry. All my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or some kind of misfiring synapses. I need to get help for that. But I’ll still be ugly though. Nothing’s going to change that.