2007 NFL All-Loser Team

The All-Pro team was announced three weeks ago, but what I like to do is honour the individuals who make the NFL the National Felons League. To make the team, one must commit a crime or otherwise be an embarrassment to the league in the year 2007. This year, the field was quite large, so I selected the worst offenders, or just the funniest or most idiotic cases. Here goes:

QB: Michael Vick, Atlanta Falcons – This man needs no introduction. He dominated the headlines and sports talk radio over the summer. Because the field of loser QB’s this season is pretty thin, Vick would have earned this spot for the water bottle incident at Miami airport. Never mind the fact that he was bankrolling a dogfighting ring…Vick was sentenced to 23 months, and most sources say that he is now broke despite the largest contract in the league and numerous endorsement deals. At the end of his career, he will no doubt be inducted into the Sports Loser Hall of Shame right next to Rae Carruth and Mike Danton.

RB: Najeh Davenport, Pittsburgh Steelers – In October, he was charged with domestic violence, child endangerment, and unlawful restraint involving the mother of his five year old son. He pleaded not guilty.

RB: Dominic Rhodes, Oakland Raiders – Went 81 in a 55 zone, failed two sobriety tests and claimed he “only had two or three.” He was given a 180 day suspended sentence and was suspended for the first four games of the season.

WR: Chris Henry, Cincinnati Bengals – A chronic rubby-dub and substance abuser, Henry was suspended for 8 games this season stemming from an incident where he provided alcohol to minors.

WR: Koren Robinson, Green Bay Packers – This boozebag was sentenced to 90 days in February for fleeing from police and served this sentence concurrently with another 90 days for a separate drunk driving case. He was reinstated in October, and collected 8 catches for 63 yards and a touchdown.

TE: Jerramy Stevens, Tampa Bay Buccaneers – He has received several reckless driving charges in the past including one in 2001 where he crashed his car into a nursing home. This year, Stevens was charged with DUI and marijuana possession. His neighbours in his condo complex have also complained that he barfs on their doors and leaves used condoms on the back porch for the kids to find.

OT: Levi Jones, Cincinnati Bengals – Involved in a casino brawl with fellow all-loser Joey Porter (see below) because Porter allegedly stole Jones’ jewellery. I can see it now...a 307 lb. tackle screaming in the middle of a casino “That’s my purse!”

OT: Khalif Barnes, Jacksonville Jaguars – Pulled a trifecta: arrested for speeding and DUI in a car with expired plates. Barnes also called the officer a “KKK devil who hates all colored people.” Barnes was sentenced to six months probation, 50 hours of community service, and had his license suspended for six months.

OG: Ross Verba, Free agent – Arrested last January for passing bad checks in Nevada and was released by the Lions in February. Who taught him how to manage his money? Darren McCarty?

OG: Claude Terrell, Free Agent – Beat up his wife while he was already on probation for beating up another family member. And I thought my family was dysfunctional. The Rams released him after the incident which is pretty serious since the Rams already had 9 injured linemen.

C: Stocker McDougle, Jacksonville Jaguars – Bounced a $1200 cheque at a plant nursery. When the owner claimed McDougle owed him interest over it, McDougle pushed the 65 year old man causing him to fall over. He is now facing battery charges.

DL: Anthony Hargrove, Buffalo Bills – Hargrove was suspended for four games in 2007 for failing a drug test. He was also charged with criminal mischief, resisting arrest, and harassment after a confrontation with police outside a nightclub.

DL: Tank Johnson, Dallas Cowboys – Shortly after being released from jail for numerous firearm related crimes (he likes to keep loaded assault rifles around children) he was arrested for speeding and was suspected of driving while impaired. He was suspended for half the regular season.

DL: Fred Evans, Minnesota Vikings – Got in a dispute with a taxi driver, then resisted arrest and bit a police officer. He was then tasered and charged with battery on a police officer, resisting arrest, disorderly conduct and trespassing. He was already on probation for marijuana possession.

LB: Justin Durant, Jacksonville Jaguars – On Nov. 3, Durant was found passed out in his Escalade at an exit ramp with an open road pop sitting next to him. Then, possibly trying to compare himself to Muhatma Gandhi, he was also charged with “resisting arrest without violence.”

LB: Nick Barnett, Green Bay Packers – Charged with battery for shoving a woman to the ground who wanted his autograph at a nightclub. His antics spilled onto the field this year, as the 232 lb. Barnett claimed that 66 year old umpire Jim Quirk “assaulted” him while trying to break up a fight in a game against the Bears (Quirk was subsequently fined.) Sissy…

LB: Joey Porter, Miami Dolphins – Shot in the ass in 2003, the NFL’s second dirtiest player (Rodney Harrison is number one) was at it again, this time punching Levi Jones in the face in a casino, splitting him open. He pleaded guilty to misdemeanour battery and paid a $1000 fine and was also fined three game cheques.

LB: Odell Thurman, Cincinnati Bengals – Some depth here at the linebacker position, as usual. Boozer, user, drunk driver. Thurman was sentenced to 90 days for DUI, and was wanted for an assault, but the charges were eventually dismissed. Thurman also applied for reinstatement and was denied by Roger Goodell.

DB: Adam “Pacman“ Jones, Tennessee Titans – At a Las Vegas strip club, Pacman beat up a stripper for taking his money without his permission. Then, he threatened to kill one of the security guards. One of his entourage fired three shots into the crowd and paralyzed a man from the waist down. Jones pleaded no contest and received a one year suspended sentence and 200 hours of community service. He was also suspended for the entire season.

DB: Justin Miller, New York Jets – Punched a woman at a nightclub and was charged with misdemeanour assault. Miller won the fastest man competition at last February’s Pro Bowl, but couldn’t outrun the NYPD.

SS: Jarrod Cooper, Oakland Raiders – Tested positive for anabolic steroids, got suspended and released, and then of course the Raiders resigned him after the suspension was over.

FS: Dexter Reid, Free agent – Reid was pulled over in March when he was suspected of drunk driving, when the police found marijuana and a concealed weapon in his car. Then, in September, Reid parked in a handicap space at a Chick-fil-a while he went in to get some fried chicken. An officer told him he had to move the car or have it towed. Reid gave the officer permission to move the car. That’s when the officer found a loaded semi-automatic pistol in the car. Wow.