Friday, December 30, 2005

NFL Week 17

I hate week's a crap shoot for a lot of the games, seeing as how some teams' backups can win games and some can't. There's only one game that has meaning for both teams, and that involves who's going to pick first in the draft. Son of a bitch...

10-6 last week, 156-84 overall. When you're right 65% of the time, you're wrong 35% of the time...

Denver at SAN DIEGO: Denver has the second round bye and is as high in the standings as they're going to go. With nothing to lose and nothing to gain, they play it like a preseason game. San Diego, on the other hand, has everything to lose. They're still in the fight for the sixth wildcard so they'll win this one. Chargers by 7.

NY GIANTS at Oakland: Jersey/A hasn't even clinched the division yet and I trust they'd much rather have their wildcard opponent (Sucs, Panties, Cowboys, or Redskins...all pretty tough teams) come to Jersey where they're 7-1. I think Norv Turner's finished no matter if he wins or loses this one, and Raiders management should start focusing their efforts on how the hell they're going to cut over $25 million in salaries to get under next season's cap as soon as this game ends. Jersey/A by 10.

Arizona at INDIANAPOLIS: Also in preseason action are the Colts and Cardinals. We should see Indy's first string for long enough that Indy goes up by a healthy enough margin to win. Indy doesn't play a meaningful game until two weeks from now and they sure don't want to go into the playoffs riding a 3 game losing skid and finishing behind Seattle in the standings. Lucky Charms by 14.

BALTIMORE at Cleveland: Second match between the Browns version 1.0 and the Browns version 2.0. I don't know how Cleveland's going to respond to being shut out 41-0, and Kyle Boller knows that the Ravens may bring in a quarterback in the offseason, so he'll need to finish the season strong. The only problem is that Baltimore is 0-7 on the road, but there's got to be a first time for everything. Browns version 1.0 by 7.

BUFFALO at NY Jets: Jersey/B's in the running for the top pick but a win here would totally screw it up for may even screw up their chances for Matt Leinart or Vince Young. Buffalo beat the Bengals last week so they have momentum going into this one. Bills by 7.

CAROLINA at Atlanta: Carolina's gaffe against the Cowboys means they're now in a dogfight with the Succaqueers for a home playoff game. This game is meaningless to the Falcons because they're out...the only thing I'm worried about is that Jim Mora may throw everything he's got into winning this one, because the talk around Hotlanta is that his job is in danger. I'm one of the biggest Jim Mora fans around, but after the Tampa Bay game, I'm inclined to agree. You can't send six players to the Pro Bowl and miss the playoffs without something being foul in the coaching department...I said the exact same thing about Tom Higgins a year ago. I'm also one of the biggest referee fans around but I had no idea that the entire right side of an O-Line was allowed to move prior to the snap like what happened last week on Tampa Bay's game tying TD on 4th and 1...maybe somebody's who has reffed the American game could help me out on that one. The Panties could miss the playoffs with a loss here and wins by Washington and Dallas, so they'll want this game more than the Falcons...all they want out of this is to play spoiler. Panties by 3.

CHICAGO at Minnesota: Rex Grossman likely won't play the entire game...not that it matters since their passing game isn't a big part of the offence. The Vikings offence has been struggling lately and that should continue against the #1 defence in the league. Bears by 3.

Cincinnati at KANSAS CITY: There's actually quite a bit at stake here...if the Chargers and Steelers lose and the Chiefs win, they make the playoffs. A win for the Bengals means the #3 seed, but a loss and Patriots win means the #4 seed. Probably more advantageous for them to not have to play the Steelers in the first round, but they'll have to face the Jags next week having dropped their last two games. Chiefs by 7.

Detroit at PITTSBURGH: The sad thing is that Detroit's fast start to the season means they're not even going to pull a very good draft pick out of this disaster season. The Steelers have gone on a tear at just the right time of the season and will walk away with this one. Steelers by 21.

Miami at NEW ENGLAND: The Patriots got all their injured guys back and have won 9 home games in a row against divisional opponents. Pretty easy pick here, but the Fish held them within 7 in their last game. This game doesn't mean very much, so Patriots by 7 I guess.

New Orleans at TAMPA BAY: Lock of the Week. Easy win for the Succaqueers as New Orleans also wants Matt Leinart/Vince Young pretty badly. Succaqueers by 14.

SEATTLE at Green Bay: Tough to say. Green Bay's not a fun place to play in January. Seattle will be playing it preseason style and it could be Favre's last game ever. I think the Packers would want Reggie Bush just as bad as anyone. I think that Hasselbeck makes Seattle's receivers look good so Seneca Wallace isn't going to put up very good numbers, but if Alexander is in this game long enough I think they can hold on to win. Seahawks by 3.

Houston at SAN FRANCISCO: With the first selection in the 2006 NFL Entry Draft, the Houston Texans select...A loss here gives them the first overall pick...if they win and the rest of my picks are right, it'll be a four way tie between the Saints, Packers, Texans and Jets. In that case, the strength of schedule tie breaker would apply, which gives the Saints the first overall pick at the moment, and the Texans go all the way down to fourth. So the Texans better hope for another Kris Brown miracle kick or something, and I still think they'd trade the #1 pick if they get it. Squared Sevens by 3.

Tennessee at JACKSONVILLE: Flippy the Coin special. Flippy seems to think that Jacksonville's desire to get a win going into the playoffs will outweigh all the injuries to their offence. He also believes that Leftwich will play, and that Fred Taylor will tear a strip off the Titans #22 run defence. Jaguars by 3.

WASHINGTON at Philadelphia: The Skins have now won four in a row and if they win this one, they're in the playoffs because of their sweep of the Cowboys. That'll be enough incentive. Redskins by 10.

St. Louis at DALLAS: Everyone in Dallas should be cheering for the Eagles this week no matter how sick that thought makes them. If the Skins, Sucs, Panties, and Giants all win (as I have predicted), Dallas will be eliminated by the time this game rolls around. If the Skins or Panties lose, they need a win. But even if they are eliminated come game time, they still win because Les Mouflons have just been that bad this season. Cowboys by 7.

So there you have it...if I am right, next week's games will be:

Washington at Tampa Bay
Carolina at NY Giants
Pittsburgh at New England
Jacksonville at Cincinnati

I'm jetting off to the 934 tomorrow so that concludes You Can't Teach That for 2005. Happy New Year...I'll be back with my Falcons Year End Report, NHL Mid-Season Predictions and NFL Playoff Predictions in the next week.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

7/8 done

Someone found this blog by searching for "Bengals sweatpants." Sorry, dude, I'm all sold out, but if you check back in a week, I'll probably have a new shipment in.

Exams are finally over, and my winter holiday officially begins. Yeah, it's going to last for a whole of 27 hours and then I start work. Labatt called me up and asked if I wanted to do some work over the holidays and I need the money (well, I don't actually need it, but this will make a few more airplane rides possible in the next four months.)

I think this was probably the worst round of finals I've ever had...but I say that about every finals period because it just keeps going downhill for me. My GPA has gotten steadily worse over the years while the average GPA in my classes gets steadily better. But I need a 1.0 GPA to graduate...that's right, 1.0. I could afford to go lower, but that would mean that I failed a class and I can't have that fucks up my plan. It's kind of funny...all the immunology meddlers in ZOOL 452 last year were appalled by my callous indifference to grades, but it's all the same piece of paper in the end (that's "Bachelor of Science with Specialization in Immunology and Infection." I wonder if they can fit that all on the degree or if they're just going to have to cut it off at some point, like "Bachelor of Science with Specialization in Immunol...") Anyway, my point is that your grades only matter if you're trying for some kind of post-graduate education, which I'm not, or if you're trying to get a job working for a prof, because they seem to think that the 4.0 students are the most competent in the lab, which is not always the case.

So the Bears/Falcons game on Sunday made me wish I wasn't a sports fan. But the Flames/Oilers game last night made up for it. But I didn't even get to watch either of them. I was confined to my room studying during the Flames/Oilers and was left to periodically check 630 CHED for updates. Falcons game...bit of a different story. I worked hard all day so I could take the evening off and watch it. But the TV was off after Keion Carpenter's interception fumble early in the 3rd quarter, I yelled some profanities and went back to my room to watch the live updates on NFL Game Center because the TV announcers were pissing me off, but I turned off Game Center after Mike Vick's 2nd interception, which I never do...I always believe the Falcons can come back to win, but this game was unusually frustrating. I think I could have stuck it out if I was drunk enough, but that wasn't possible because I had a test the next day. School is ruining my life, it's making me realize that the Falcons aren't that great. Stupid learning...

I think I'll go get drunk tonight though.

Friday, December 16, 2005

NFL Week 15

11-5 last week, 135-73 overall.

Tampa Bay at NEW ENGLAND: The Patriots have an impressive December record in recent years...I think they're 15-3 or something close to that. The Succaqueers are #2 in total defence but the Patriots are #5 in total offence so they should be able to take advantage at home. Patriots by 6.

Kansas City at NY GIANTS: Wow, Kansas City has taken over the top spot in the total offence category. That's because of Larry Johnson but Jersey/A is 8th in run defence. Both have pretty crappy pass defences, but Jersey/A's defence is stingier with the points. Jersey/A by 3.

DENVER at Buffalo: The Nevermores, in a game they lost by two points, reached the Denver 1, 15, 24, and 35 without scoring. Meanwhile, Buffalo is going with Kelly Holcomb again, which should be an improvement. But Buffalo's run defence is #31 and Denver has 3 running backs (Anderson, Dayne, and Bell) who have combined for 1933 yards this season. Broncos by 10, and as a result of the Chargers and Chiefs losing, 2005 AFC West Champions.

ARIZONA at Houston: I had to watch that missed field goal over and over in rapt fascination. Kris Brown sliced the hell out of the ball like some 12 year old kid at a driving range hitting golf balls with his dads driver. Simply astonishing. The Texans pass defence is brutal so the fact that Zona doesn't have a running game won't prevent them from winning. Zona by 7.

CAROLINA at New Orleans: Lock of the Week. Aaron Brooks is talking and playing like he won't be the Aints quarterback next season. He won't be for the rest of this season, anyway. They're replacing him with Todd Bouman, who has started in 3 games in his 8 year career and last started in '01 with the Vikings. The Panties offence wasn't able to do much last week, but given the Succaqueers defence, I don't blame them. Panties by 14.

NY Jets at MIAMI: So in order to set up that crucial AFC East championship game in week 17, the Dolphins will need to beat the Titans and Jersey/B and the Patriots will have to lose to the Succaqueers and Jersey/B. Then the Dolphins will have to beat the Patriots at home to win the division. Not too likely to happen given their luck at Foxboro in the past three seasons, but for all intents and purposes, the Marine Mammals are still in the playoff hunt. They'll have to rely on their running game for this one and shouldn't go as pass crazy as the last couple of games. Marine Mammals by 10.

Philadelphia at ST LOUIS: Tough call. I think Jamie Martin is way better than McMahon or Detmer, and that should be enough to get a win at home. This one will depend on Torry Holt and Isaac Bruce making the plays against a deplete Eagles secondary. Les Mouflons by 3 in a shootout.

PITTSBURGH at Minnesota: Pittsburgh was able to beat the Bears because of their rushing stats. The Viking's run defence isn't bad, but their pass defence won't give Roethlisberger fits like the Bears defence did. The Vikings are on a 6-game win streak, but the Steelers recently ended the Bears' 8-game win streak. Steelers by 3.

San Diego at INDIANAPOLIS: The Chargers really needed that one against the would have put them a game up on the Steelers and Chiefs for the playoffs so now it's not likely that they'll make it. Since Indy doesn't play a meaningful game until January 14 at the earliest, I imagine they'll be playing their starters for most of the game, or at least until they're up by a healthy margin. Does Indy have a backup QB? (Apparently, it's Jim Sorgi, whoever that is) The Chargers pass defence loses another one for them, Lucky Charms by 17.

SEATTLE at Tennessee: Yawn. Another crappy team for the Seahawks to beat up on. Andre, my Titans fan friend, tried to convince me the Seahawks would get caught looking past the Titans and looking forward to the Colts next week, and he may have a point there. Plus, right before they beat the piss out of the Eagles, Madden pointed out that Seattle has a really shitty record in the eastern time zone. Both their losses this season occurred on the east coast. But even with all that, it'll still be Seahawks by 28.

San Francisco at JACKSONVILLE: The Jags are a virtual lock to make the playoffs now...their last 3 games are against the 49ers, Texans, and Titans. So they should be able to coast through on fumes. They can actually clinch a spot this week if the Steelers, Chiefs, and Chargers lose and the Broncos win, but the Steelers will win so the celebration will have to wait until next week. Jaguars by 14.

CINCINNATI at Detroit: If Weeds thought the refs blew it in Hotlanta, she clearly didn't watch Sunday night's Detroit/Green Bay contest. Since when does holding in the end zone not result in a safety, not to mention Samkon Gado's knee was down before he heave-hoed the pass that the ref threw the flag for intentional grounding on and then reversed himself! Ye Gods! Bengals by 14, 2005 AFC North Champions.

CLEVELAND at Oakland: If Charlie Frye plays the same kind of game he's been playing for the last two, then this one won't be close. Oakland appears to be descending into shambles as well...Norv's already putting Cocaine Collins back in and saying he's sorry. Browns by 7.

Dallas at WASHINGTON: The Skins only have 23 sacks on the season, which means that the Cowboys o-line might be able to give Bledsoe the 5 seconds he needs to stand around in the pocket. These two teams are fairly even, so I'm going to say home team wins and that this is Clinton Portis' game to lose. Redskins by 3.

ATLANTA at Chicago: Pepto Bismol Upset of the Week. Watching the Falcons is starting to remind me of watching the Oil...going to shit in midseason and then frantically trying to make the playoffs at the end. The Steelers put up 190 rushing yards against a defence that normally only allows 93 in a game. If that's what Parker and Bettis can do, I think Dunn and Duckett can do the same. They may be able to get some passing done...Chicago's pass defence is ranked second, but it looks like they'll be going with their second string free safety and third string strong safety because of injuries. Keys to the game: run the ball, don't go pass crazy like in Carolina, and the defence has got to put pressure on Kyle Orton. He tends to panic when there are guys in his face and forces the ball into coverage. The secondary also has to be there to grab those Orton wobblers. Also, they can't let Mike Vick get broken again and that'll be up to center Todd McClure and fullback Justin Griffith stopping Brian Urlacher from getting through. And the final key is not to commit any turnovers. Pittsburgh won because the Bears defence was unable to score a touchdown or put their own offence in great field position. It's sure to be cold in this game, Falcons by 3.

GREEN BAY at Baltimore: The Nevermores played great against a good Denver offence. I had originally thought that the Nevermores defence would be enough to win this one, but the Packers are right there with Baltimore in many defensive categories, and are actually first in pass defence in the league. Their only weakness is against the run, but Baltimore's running game is total crap. Packers by 3.

More Blog chain mail

Okay, so this was on Lady's blog a while ago and it's recently resurfaced elsewhere, and I thought it might eat up some time.

Name three names you go by:
1)The Kid
2)The Dude

Name three screen names you've had:
1) The Dude
2) oilersesksfalcons
3) Canadian Falcons Fan

Name three things you like about yourself:
1) I'm in shape (it was a lot better before school started getting in the way...) and have 27 inch guns...only Patrick Kerney has bigger pipes
2) I know lots about beer (more than most people)
3) I have a good long term memory...I can quote an episode of the Simpsons I saw two years ago word for word, but I can barely remember what I had for lunch yesterday.

Name three things you don't like about yourself:
1) Damned peanut allergy...
2) Big bloody arm scar...
3) Short fuse

Name three parts of your heritage:
1) Ukrainian
2) Polish
3) American

Name three things that scare you:
1) Clowns
2) The stench of failure
3) Flames fans

Name three of your everyday essentials:
1) Sleep
2) Degrassi High reruns
3) Food and plenty of it

Name three things you are wearing right now:
1) 2005 Grey Cup Champions t-shirt
2) Jeans
3) Panties

Name three of your favorite bands or artists:
2) Less Than Jake
3) EBJ

Name three of your favorite songs at this moment:
1) Valerie by Steve Winwood...sweet, sweet 80's music...
2) Send Me An Angel by Real Life (From the movie the Wizard...remember that movie about Nintendo, it was big in '89?)
3) Kodachrome by Paul Simon (Not to be confused with the "chloroform" version, as most of you know, that song can cause a shit blizzard like you wouldn't believe)

Name three new things you want to do in the next 12 months:
1) Get the fuck out of university (some people prefer to call it "graduating" but that's the pessimist in me...) Seriously, I'm coasting through on fumes and there's a whole other semester left.
2) Take that trip to Nova Scotia
3) Get night rated

Name three things you want in a relationship(love is a given):
1) Trust
2) Openness
3) Someone who understands that Sunday is for NFL and just lets it be!

Name two truths and one lie:
1) I played the trumpet for 8 years
2) I got my private pilot license before my driver's license
3) I had never played a competitive team sport in my life until I joined the football team in Grade 12.

Name three things about the opposite sex that attract you:
1) Sense of humour
2) Fearlessness
3) Independence

Name three things you just can't do:
1) Listen to bagpipes
2) Drink the beer on tap at The Underground in Calgary
3) Eat my own head.

Name three of your hobbies:
1) Flying
2) Hockey
3) Movies

Name three things that you want really badly right now:
1) Final exams to be over!
2) The Falcons to make the playoffs
3) About 40 grand extra in my bank account would be nice...

Name three careers you're considering:
1) Pilot
2) Food scientist
3) CEO of Aramark

Name three places you want to go on vacation to:
1) Nova Scotia
2) New York
3) Atlanta, GA

Name three potential kids' names:
1) Kelly
2) Doug
3) Jason

Name three things you want to do before you die:
1) Retire and put myself in a home where I can watch Price is Right, play bingo, shuffleboard and darts, and eat dinner at 4:30.
2) Buy an RV and follow the Atlanta Falcons around for a season
3) Buy the naming rights to the field the Spartans play on and rename it "Demaniuk Stadium."

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Reality TV sucks...

...except for The Amazing Race.

This show (the eighth installment) was probably one of the worst, but it's been the first show that the team I picked has won. My family and I do this draft thing before each show starts, with the draft order being determined by your team's performance in the last installment. For example, Ryan and Chuck of Amazing Race 7 were eliminated first, so I got to use the first overall pick on the Linz family this time around. For all you reality TV shows who have been following the show since the first one, here are my draft choices throughout them all:

Amazing Race 8: Linz Family - Finished 1st
Amazing Race 7: Ryan and Chuck - Finished 11th
Amazing Race 6: Lori and Bolo - Finished 5th
Amazing Race 5: Dennis and Erika - Finished 11th
Amazing Race 4: Millie and Chuck - Finished 5th
Amazing Race 3: Terri and Ian - Finished 2nd
Amazing Race 2: Tara and Wil - Finished 2nd
Amazing Race 1: Frank and Margarita - Finished 2nd

So you see my strategy of drafting teams with a high probability of constant fighting worked fairly well for the first three shows, though none of them actually won. I had some shitty bust draft picks in the 5th and 7th shows, since picking at 7th overall meant there were usually a couple of young teams left, and I left a couple of old teams on the table knowing full well that they would not be eliminated first, since the show wants to keep the elderly demographic interested...there are a lot of old ladies who watch this show.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Blog chain mail

I saw this on Janet Lo's blog and thought it might kill some time.

1.Copy and Paste in your blog
2. BOLD anything true
3. Leave plain anything untrue

001. I miss somebody right now.
002. I watch more tv than I used to. (Yeah, I watch it in all my spare time...)
003. I love olives.
004. I love sleeping.
005. I own lots of books/magazines. (I can't read.)
006. I wear glasses or contact lenses.
007. I love to play video games.
008. I’ve tried marijuana.
009. I’ve watched porn movies. (But I've yet to watch Clockwork Orgy)
010 I have been in a threesome.
011. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
012. I believe honesty is the best policy.
013. I have freckle free skin. (I've never even thought about this before, so I'm going to say yes. No time to go check.
014. I like and respect Al Sharpton. (HAHAHAHA)
015. I curse frequently. (What the fuck are you talking about?)
016. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. (Nope. I'm just as dumb and strange as I've always been)
017. I have a hobby.
018. I’ve been told I have a nice butt.
019. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me. (Nope. Just my gun.)
020. I've never broken anyone else's bones. (I wish...)
(Where's 21?)
022. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal. (No shame.)
023. I love rain.
024. I’m paranoid at times.
025. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
026. I need money right now.
027. I love sushi. (I would rather lick feet)
028. I talk really, really fast sometimes.
029. I have fresh breath in the morning.
030. I have semi-long hair.
031. I have lost money in Las Vegas.
032. I have at least one brother and/or sister.
033. I was born in a country outside the U.S.
034. I shave my legs. (No, I wax. What the fuck?)
035. I have a twin.
(Where's 36?)
037. I couldn’t survive without Caller I.D.
038. I like the way I look. (No, I've aged terribly.)
039. I have lied to a good friend in the past 6 months.
040. I know how to do cornrows. (Only Mike Vick can get away with cornrows)
041. I am usually pessimistic.
042. I have mood swings.
043. I think prostitution should be illegal.
044. I think Britney Spears is pretty/hot. (I like that this one is 44...)
045. I have cheated on a significant other.
046. I have a hidden talent.
047. I’m always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
048. I think that I’m popular.
049. I am currently single.
050. I have kissed someone of the same sex.
051. I enjoy talking on the phone.
052. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants. (No, that's just greasy. That's only for members of Lister's joint council.)
053. I love to shop. (I actually hate to shop...)
054. I would rather shop than eat.
055. I would classify myself as ghetto.
056. I’m bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders. (I'm a what?)
057. I’m obsessed with my blog.
058. I don’t hate anyone.
059. I’m a great dancer. (Punch dancing is a dance. Since I'm great at it, it means I'm a great dancer.)
060. I don’t think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington. (Who's Desiree Washington? Oh well, Mike Tyson's a very prolific fighter)
061. I’m completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
062. I have a cell phone.
063. I watch MTV on a daily basis.
(Where's 64?)
065. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months. (I'm not Blobra or Jamie...)
(Where's 66? ARGH!)
067. I have never been in a real relationship before.
068. I’ve rejected someone before. (Oh yeah, that's me...I'm a real ladykiller.)
069. I currently have a crush on someone.
070. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
071. I want to have children in the future either adopted/blood related. (Only if they don't cry or shit their pants...this sounds simple enough, but for a baby it's a hell of a lot to ask.)
072. I have changed a diaper before.
073. I’ve had the cops called on me before.
074. I bite my nails.
075. I’m not allergic to anything deadly. (This question is worded funny...but the answer is no. That allergy test said "consider anaphylactic" which doesn't mean shit. I am not deadly allergic to anything. I've never been so certain of anything in my life.)

Saturday, December 10, 2005

NFL Week 14

Hahaha...I never get tired of posting pictures of sad Eagles fans, but I felt it was appropriate this week given their 42-0 disaster. I have no idea when this one was taken, but I'm sure this was the general feeling of the crowd at Lincoln Financial Field last Monday.

14-2 last week, 124-68 overall.

Chicago at PITTSBURGH: This is going to be another very low scoring contest. Steelers need this one if they still want to make the playoffs. They win because their fast defence forces Kyle Orton to make mistakes, and they have a good answer to Chicago's running game. Steelers by 3.

Cleveland at CINCINNATI: Lock of the Week. Cincinnati can clinch the division with a win and a Steelers loss. Cleveland's run defence is 27th so expect Rudi Johnson to have a big game. I hope the Browns let Charlie Frye play out the rest of the season...he had a great game last week, and Trent Dilfer is showing everyone why he was Matt Hasselbeck's backup. Bengals by 21.

Houston at TENNESSEE: The Moo Cows' have lost their last two despite leading with 30 seconds left in the game. The only player on the Texans with any promise is Dominick Davis, but the Flaming Thumbtacks have the 10th ranked run defence. The only thing is they've lost 6 straight home games to divisional opponents. Flaming Thumbtacks by 6.

INDIANAPOLIS at Jacksonville: It's really, really too bad Leftwich isn't playing or I might be picking the Jags as the Pepto of the year. The Jags have now won 5 straight, they haven't been swept by the Colts in the past three seasons and their defence only allows an average of one more yard per game more than the Colts. Lucky Charms by 7, but I refuse to touch this game on Sports Select.

New England at BUFFALO: Pepto Bismol Upset of the Week. I shouldn't do this after what happened to the Bills last week. Leading 23-17 with six seconds to play, the Bills drop seven into coverage, but third-string cornerback Jabari Greer is left to single cover Chris Chambers who at that point had 14 catches for 234 yards. Three Buffalo defenders stood their watching Jabari try to save the day, covering no one. Ye Gods! That game dropped Buffalo's pass defence quite a bit in the rankings, but I know they're better than that. It will come down to whose running game is better, and I like McGahee over Dillon, or whoever's lining up at RB for the Patriots these days. The Patriots had a really good game last week, but they're very inconsistent and never seem to put the same team on the field two weeks in a row. Bills by 3.

OAKLAND at NY Jets: Cocaine Collins is officially benched. This is only the second career start for Marques Tuiasosopo and he's only ever completed 28 passes in 5 seasons, none of them for touchdowns. I hope Norv Turner knows what he's doing, because it sure doesn't look like it. Jets have the 6th ranked pass defence, but 29th ranked run defence, so the Raiders will have to run the ball for a change. Raiders by 3.

St. Louis at MINNESOTA: Brad Johnson is still unbeaten (shudder...) and Ryan Fitzpatrick is proving that pretty much any QB can beat the Moo Cows. Both teams have terrible defences, but the Rams' is worse. I'm picking the Vikings just because Les Mouflons have lost the last nine of eleven road games. Vikings by 6, in a high scoring contest.

Tampa Bay at CAROLINA: These teams stack up really close to each other. The Panties have the 23rd offence and 4th defence and the Succaqueers have the 24th offence and 2nd ranked defence. I'm going with the Panties because they're at home and because the last meeting between these teams was a 34-14 Panties win. Panties by 7.

NY GIANTS at Philadelphia: This one is all going to depend on how pissed off the Eagles are following that Monday night debacle. I would normally have predicted a Philadelphia blowout, but there have just been too many injuries to this team. Plus the Jersey/A offence is much like Seattle's in that they can both run and pass. Jersey/A by 10.

San Francisco at SEATTLE: So the Seahawks blew out Philly 42-0 in Philly. So what. Mike McMahon threw two touchdown Seattle defenders. Like I said, the Seahawks are not getting anything out of this cupcake schedule. To beat teams with winning records, they needed a Mike Vick injury, some vintage Drew Bledsoe, and an epic chokefest by Jay Feely. But enough about the Seahawks, I'm just goddamn sick of hearing about how great they are. They keep the wins going in this one, but San Fran did lose the last one by only two points. Seahawks by 10.

WASHINGTON at Arizona: The Cardinals are looking a lot like the Eagles used to. #1 passing offence and #32 rushing offence. But Washington's pass defence is ranked 10th and I think they'll be able to figure out what kind of plays they're going to call. Joe Gibbs is also 20-4 all time against Arizona. Redskins by 7.

Baltimore at DENVER: The Nevermores have lost nine in a row on the road. They might have a shot at this if Kyle Boller wasn't such a bitter disappointment, but since he is, Broncos by 13.

KANSAS CITY at Dallas: Here are two teams that seem to be headed in opposite directions. Seems like defences are figuring out that Bledsoe still hangs on to the ball too long and is still as mobile as a statue. That act was fine until the Cowboys got some injuries to their O-Line. Meanwhile, the Chiefs seem to be coming together nicely. They've won three straight and Larry Johnson has run for 470 yards in those three games. Chiefs by 3.

Miami at SAN DIEGO: The Marine Mammals run defence is 23rd...not good enough to stop Tomlinson. Gus Frerotte may be able to prove that he still deserves to be the starting QB against San Diego's secondary, but the Chargers run defence is #1, which takes away a big part of Miami's offence. Chargers by 10.

Detroit at GREEN BAY: The Lions haven't swept the Packers in 14 seasons, and given how they're in shambles, and that they've lost 13 straight at Lambeau, I strongly doubt it's going to happen now. And when Jeff Garcia only throws for 162 yards and a pick against Minnesota, that's really pathetic. The Packers were looking good against the Bears until Favre threw a touchdown pass to the other team and the Bears covered the spread, killing the Sports Select ticket. They'll win quite easily if they can win the turnover battle. Packers by 14.

New Orleans at ATLANTA: Every game is a must-win game now for the Falcons. I'm almost hesitant to bring this up...but you know Mike Vick's record that used to be perfect against Carolina? It's also perfect against the Saints (4-0). Saints have also lost 6 straight Monday night games. Contrary to what Weeds suggested, the defence did all that they could do against the Panties, but the offence gave them no help in trying to win the field position game in the fourth quarter. The game was still well within reach for the Falcons as it was only14-6, but in four fourth quarter possessions, the Falcons gained 26 net yards of offence and ended two of those possessions with an INT. It also seemed like I could call better plays from my couch. Who the hell calls an end around on 4th and 1? I also don't understand why they had Vick throwing the ball 35 times in a game where Warrick Dunn should be seeing 25-30 carries. Sure the Panties have the second ranked run defence, but Dunn was doing fine against them. Know how many times Dunn saw the ball in the 4th quarter? ZERO, while Vick went 3 for 11 passing. And like I said, it was a one score game...there was no reason to abandon the run and go pass crazy. Anyway, Falcons by 7.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Movie #1!!!!

Wow, we're finally here at the end of the semester. I'd just like to take this time to thank anybody who has read the Top 25 movie series and I hope that you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. So without further ado, I'm going to confirm the worst kept secret in the world and reveal what I consider to be the number one movie of all time!

1: American Beauty

Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey) is suffering a mid-life crisis that affects the lives of his family which is made up of his super bitch of a wife Carolyn and rebelling daughter Jane who hates him. Carolyn is a real estate agent a little too wrapped up in her job who takes on an affair with business rival Buddy Kane. Meanwhile Jane seems to fall in love with Ricky Fitts, the strange boy next door who is a drug dealer/documentarian who lives under a roof governed by a very strict marine father and a speechless mother. Lester's mid-life crisis causes him to drastically change his life around when he quits his job and works at a fast food restaurant. He starts working out to gain the attention of Angela, a friend of Jane's who brags about her sexual exploits every weekend.

Okay, so like Sideways, we’re back on the whole mid-life crisis thing. This movie has been on the top of the list ever since the first time I watched, I didn’t even need to think twice about it. I think American Beauty represents cinematic perfection. The acting is solid and the screenplay is brilliant. To me, it represents breaking down the barricades you build for yourself as you go on through life and really challenging what you are capable of. There's a reassuring measure to all viewers that whenever you feel your life is out of your control because of your job, your family, or other circumstances, it's never too late to seize that control back. It does have the controversial 42-year-old trying to nail a 17-year-old subplot which turns quite a few people off on this movie, but that’s not even a major part of the plot (as the tagline for the movie says “Look Closer.”) Just an interesting little tidbit… Lester Burnham, a middle-aged man who develops an infatuation with an adolescent girl, is an update of Humbert Humbert from the classic novel Lolita. "Lester Burnham" is an anagram for "Humbert learns."

I disagree with the assessment by some of the people on internet movie database that “lives [of the characters] change, but not for the better.” Lester was doing “great” by the end of the film. He reflects on all the positive things that have happened in his life at the end of the film and finds that he actually doesn't have any regrets. Jane was “really happy” and Carolyn seemed to be doing great as well, but upset that she got caught…I doubt she had any regrets either. I think the point the film was trying to make is that good and bad times come and go and that you can find happiness in pretty odd just need have the courage to actually go after it and lose your fears and inhibitions.

The theme about beauty is also a good one…the fact is, it’s all around us, and sometimes we have to take the time to “look closer” in order to appreciate it. Ricky's video recordings are all things that he believes are beautiful. The plastic bag scene does an excellent job of driving this point home. Apparently, Alan Ball got the idea for the movie when he was at the World Trade Center and saw a plastic bag blowing around. Wes Bentley acts the scene out perfectly, and apparently, the casting director felt that although she had read that scene numerous times, his reading was the first time she felt she understood the meaning of it.

This movie has also been called the “Death of a Salesman” for the nineties (Carolyn even refers to the “Lomans” just moving out of the house next door!) I think that Lester suffers through a lot of illusions about life and Carolyn is ultimately the realist. The angry dinner scene pretty well sums this all up:

Carolyn: Your father and I were just discussing his day at work. Why don't you tell our daughter about it, honey?
Lester: Janie, today I quit my job. And then I told my boss to go fuck himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars! Pass the asparagus.
Carolyn: Your father seems to think this type of behavior is something to be proud of!
Lester: And your mother seems to prefer I go through life like a fucking prisoner while she keeps my dick in a mason jar under the sink.
Carolyn: How dare you speak to me that way in front of her. And I marvel that you can be so contemptuous of me, on the same day that you LOSE your job.
Lester: Lose it? I didn't lose it. It's not like, "Whoops! Where'd my job go?" I QUIT. Someone pass me the asparagus.

Of course, this also sums up the big contrast between Death of a Salesman and American Beauty...Willy desperately wants to leave a legacy for his family before he dies, and I think Lester also wanted that at some point, but now he's given up. But the similarity here is that both Willy and Lester want to be the number-one man...their definitions on what it means to be "number-one" are just slightly different. Lester only cares about what's best for himself and what it will take to get him to be happy in his own mind. Like Willy, Lester's life is a failure up to this point, and he has left nothing to be remembered by. There are plenty of other comparisons, but I won't go into them. And I didn't know this until recently, but writer Alan Ball seems to also have a fascination with death; he created the series “Six Feet Under.”

American Beauty was nominated for eight Oscars and won five, including Best Picture and Best Actor (Kevin Spacey.) It would have won the Big Five if Hilary Swank hadn't played some tranny in Boys Don't Cry and beat Annette Bening. Why does Hilary Swank keep screwing me over? As if Million Dollar Baby wasn't bad enough...Swank had to steal one from one of the best performances by an actress that I've ever seen? Give me a friggin' break!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Movie #2

2: Goodfellas

This film views the mob lives of three pivotal figures in the 1960's and 70's New York. Ray Liotta plays Henry Hill, a local boy turned gangster in a neighborhood full of the roughest and toughest. Joe Pesci plays Tommy Devito, a pure bred gangster, who turns out to be Henry's best friend. Robert De Niro plays Jimmy Conway, the man who puts the two of them together, and runs some of the biggest hijacks and burglaries the town has ever seen. After an extended jail sentence, Henry must sneak around the back of the local mob boss, Paulie Cicero, played by Paul Sorvino, to live the life of luxury he has always dreamed of. In the end, the friends end up in a hell of a jam, and must do anything they can to save each other, and stay alive.

I know, yet ANOTHER gangster film. But this one clearly outranks them all, best of the best. It differs from the rest because the story isn't told from the third-person point of view of the head of the's told in the first-person point of view by one of the guys who actually carried out the dirty work. It has witty screenwriting, brilliant images, outstanding acting, realistic violence, and 247 F-Bombs. Joe Pesci was perfect for the role of Tommy, and he actually wrote the "Funny how?" scene himself, and ad-libbed the late-night meal scene with his character's mother. Some real mobsters have actually declared that this movie is very highly accurate in its portrayal. And interestingly, I was banned from seeing this movie (Clockwork Orange too!) by my mom when I was 15 or 16, and now they're second and third respectively. How about that?

Goodfellas was nominated for six Oscars and won one...Best Supporting Actor (Joe Pesci.) The Academy hates Martin Scorsese. It's a fact!

Monday, December 05, 2005

Movie #3

3: A Clockwork Orange

In a futuristic Britain, a gang of teenagers go on the rampage every night, beating and raping helpless victims. After one of the boys quells an uprising in the gang, they knock him out and leave him for the police to find. He agrees to try "aversion therapy" to shorten his jail sentence. When he is eventually let out, he hates violence, but the rest of his gang members are still after him.

Not to be confused with it's porno equivalent (Clockwork Orgy) this movie is brilliant. It's about how once a man ceases to be able to choose, he ceases to be a man. I never understood what the title meant, but apparently, it's because aversion therapy turns people into "Clockwork oranges" (Ourang being the Malay word for Man.) Also, hearing Beethoven's 9th Symphony has the same effect on Alex as the thought of violence, but then I realized that Stanley Kubrick does the same thing to the audience by showing really violent scene to light and easy songs. For example, now whenever I hear "The Thieving Magpie" by Rossini, I think of that rape scene in the Derelict Casino with Billy Boy and his gang. And anyone who has seen this movie knows that "Singin' in the Rain" is an *excellent* tune to stomp somebody's guts out to! If we are going to experience these scenes as we should, we have to do it consciously, by realising they are bad, and not because the director tells us so through the use of music and images. I think that's what Kubrick was trying to accomplish. I just like the way the movie messes with your mind like that, it's great.

Also, similar to Trainspotting, you pretty much need to use a dictionary to get through this one. I guess you don't if you can figure out what's being said in this scene:

Dim: Yarbles! Great bolshy yarblockos to you. I'll meet you with chain or nozh or britva anytime. I'm not having you aiming tolchocks at me reasonless. It stands to reason, I won't have it.
Alex: A nozh scrap anytime you say.
Dim: Doobiedoob, a bit tired maybe, best not to say more. Bedways is rightways now, so best we go homeways and get a bit of spatchka. Right-right?

The vernacular spoken by the characters is called "Nadsat" and is kind of a Russian spin on the English language. You can read all about it here. In fact, the first edition of the novel by Anthony Burgess contained so much Nadsat that it was virtually indecipherable. A Nadsat glossary had to be added to all subsequent editions.

A Clockwork Orange was nominated for four Oscars including Best Picture but won sweet FA. It lost to The French Connection for all four.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Movie #4

4: The Godfather

Vito Corleone is the aging don (head) of the Corleone Mafia Family. His youngest son Michael has returned from WWII just in time to see the wedding of Connie Corleone (Michael's sister) to Carlo Rizzi. All of Michael's family is involved with the Mafia, but Michael just wants to live a normal life. Drug dealer Virgil Sollozzo is looking for Mafia Families to offer him protection in exchange for a profit of the drug money. He approaches Don Corleone about it, but, much against the advice of the Don's lawyer Tom Hagen, the Don is morally against the use of drugs, and turns down the offer. This does not please Sollozzo, who has the Don shot down by some of his hit men. The Don barely survives, which leads his son Michael to begin a violent mob war against Sollozzo and tears the Corleone family apart.

I guess I disagree that the second one was better...It takes you back to the good old days when the five families used to run New York and Rudi Guiliani hadn't locked them all up yet (there are actually five families in this movie, but none of them are based on any of the real ones.) A lot more seems to happen in this movie (except the scenes with Michael in Sicily...those kind of drag) and I thought the acting was great, especially Marlon Brando. Some of it isn't acting...apparently, James Caan really did beat the shit out of Gianni Russo (Carlo), cracking two of his ribs and chipping his elbow. Apparently, Brando was just as difficult to work with in this one as he was in Apocalypse Now which makes me wonder why the hell Francis Ford Coppola cast him again.

The Godfather was nominated for ten Oscars and won three, including Best Picture and Best Actor for Marlon Brando who never accepted it. This was the famous "Littlefeather" incident, where Brando sent up a little known California Actress named Maria Cruz to pose as someone named Sacheen Littlefeather to tell them all he refused the award based on Hollywood's discrimination of Native Americans. How bizarre...

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Movie #5

5: Snatch

Turkish and his rather strange accomplice Tommy get pulled into the world of match fixing by the notorious Brick Top. Things get complicated when the boxer they had lined up gets the shit kicked out of him by Pitt, a 'pikey' as they call him. They then try to convince Pitt not only to fight for them, but to lose for them too. Whilst all this is going on, a huge diamond heist takes place, and a fistful of motley characters enter the story, including 'Cousin Avi', 'Boris The Blade', 'Franky Four Fingers' and 'Bullet Tooth Tony'. Things go from bad to worse as it all becomes about the money, the guns, and the damned dog!

How can you successfully tie together a story involving an unlicensed boxing promoter, a gypsy fighter, an unhinged pig-feeding gangster, a diamond thief and his boss from New York, two pawn shop workers, a henchman, and a dog? I don't know, but Guy Ritchie sure did a great job of it. The editing was amazing and used some pretty original cinematography. If you have the DVD, I recommend turning on the Brad Pitt subtitles at least's nearly impossible to understand him. I think you need to have an appreciation for dry British humour in this one. Observe:

Avi: Should I call you Bullet? Tooth?
Bullet Tooth Tony: You can call me Susan if it makes you happy.
Turkish: Fuck me, hold tight. What's that?
Tommy: It's me belt, Turkish.
Turkish: No, Tommy. There's a gun in your trousers. What's a gun doing in your trousers?
Tommy: It's for protection.
Turkish: Protection from what? "Zee Germans"?
Turkish: We've lost Gorgeous George.
Brick Top: Shhh. You're going to have to repeat that.
Turkish: We've lost Gorgeous George.
Brick Top: Well, where'd you lose him? He ain't a set of fucking car keys, is he? And it ain't as if he's incon-fucking-spicuous now, is it?
Sol: I'm not in here to make a fucking bet.
Female Bookie: 'Preciate it, but all... bets... are... off. If all bets are off, then there can't be any money can't there?
Sol: I'm not fucking buying that.
Female Bookie: Well that's handy, 'cause I ain't fucking selling it.

Snatch was nominated for no Oscars. That's right...sweet FA. Not even the Golden Globes showed Snatch any respect.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Movie #6

6. The Graduate

Tired of being the golden boy for his parents friends, college track star Benjamin Braddock embarks upon an affair with the wife of his father's partner. Benjamin leads a frustrated life and often sees adults in a surreal way, so he hopes to relax and sow his wild oats as suggested by his mistresses husband, but is dismayed to find himself just another tool to ease middle-aged insecurity.

Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson! Seriously though, what high school boy hasn't fantasized about casual sex with a much older woman, be it a neighbour, a teacher, friend's sister, etc.? It was such a well directed movie that the fact that Anne Bancroft and Dustin Hoffman are only six years apart in age (Hoffman was 30, Bancroft was 36) didn't ruin it for me. I don't think the term "cougar" was well-known by 1967, but when I watched it, I found it amusing that Mrs. Robinson tended to wear a lot of clothing with animal prints. This movie is also about the generation gap that existed in the 60s. Elaine and Benjamin are fresh out of university and they are both very different from their parents. The fact that none of the character's first names are identified except for Benjamin, Elaine, and Carl enhances that generation gap image. Benjamin's naivety is also one of the most funny parts of the film, since I think we can all remember when we were that socially awkward (hell, I think I still am!)

I actually watched Dr. Strangelove and The Graduate for the first time ever back-to-back in the same night. It blew my mind.

The Graduate was nominated for seven Oscars including Best Picture, Best Actor, and Best Actress, but only Mike Nichols won for Best Director.

NFL Week 13


13-3 last week, 110-66 (.625) overall.

Atlanta at CAROLINA: I wonder if the Falcons can get John Fox fired too? This is a really big game for both teams. Despite a lack lustre performance from Mike Vick on Thursday, his ranking among quarterbacks continues to climb as he now sits 16th in the league in passer rating. The key to the game for the Falcons is pass defence, which hasn't been very good up to this point. We've seen what teams with good pass defence (Buffalo and Chicago) can do to the Panties, and I like the Steve Smith/DeAngelo Hall matchup, but that won't be enough to stop the Panties. If the defence isn't up to it, the Falcons passing offence will have to beat them in a shootout and we'll have to see Vick's pocket passing act again (Vick has a 117.2 rating against the Panties.) The main stat to be worried about here is that the Panties have never been able to beat the Falcons when Vick's in the game and the Falcons have won 12 of the last 14 meetings. The Falcons have also won 4 in a row on the road, their only road loss happening in week two to Seattle. However, the Panties have won 4 in a row at home. And last week, I mentioned the importance of scoring first. The Falcons are now 6-0 when they score first...the Panties are 7-0 when they score first. The verdict? It's possible, but doubtful. Panties by 4.

Buffalo at MIAMI: The Marine Mammals really need to stick with what works in this game, and that's the running game. Buffalo's run defence is 31st in the league, but the Miami coaches will probably insist on going to the air against the 5th ranked pass defence more than they should. They should have no trouble stopping Losman, and they'll be able to focus their efforts on McGahee. Marine Mammals by 3.

Cincinnati at PITTSBURGH: Cincy let the Nevermores score four touchdowns on them in about13 minutes...surprising when you consider Baltimore's offence. Pittsburgh won the first match in this series, and that was in Cincinnati. No reason to think they won't do it again, especially with a healthy Roethlisberger. Steelers by 10.

Dallas at NY GIANTS: Rushing offence and defence are pretty much the same here, and so is passing offence, but the Cowboys have a huge advantage on pass defence. I'm going with Jersey/A because they put up 27.5 points a game on offence and that might be a bit of a mountain for the Cowboys to climb. Jersey/A by 4.

Green Bay at CHICAGO: The Bears are back at #1 in pass defence, so the Pack appears to be doomed. I think the Bears are lucky that their offence hasn't lost them more games this season, but with the Pack's 23rd ranked rush defence, I don't think it will happen in this game either. Bears by 3.

Houston at BALTIMORE: Unbelieveable what the Moo Cows will do to lose these days...The Nevermores did well for themselves by keeping Carson Palmer in the game, even when the Bengals were up by 34. I think they should be able to beat the Moo Cows, since their defence isn't Le Suck the same way the Rams defence is. Nevermores by 7.

JACKSONVILLE at Cleveland: Leftwich is gone, but the Jags playoff hopes didn't necessarily go down with him, given their schedule. Reuben Droughns will be the difference here, and if the Browns are going to win, they'd better keep the ball on the ground. However, the Jags defence will be their saving grace, as they allow the 3rd least points per game, right behind Chicago and Indy. Jags by 7.

MINNESOTA at Detroit: The Cowardly Lions are sans head coach and all of a sudden Detroit looks like Minnesota did three weeks ago. Firing the head coach in the middle of the season is a really good indication that the franchise is in shambles. They could win this one if they had a half-decent running back. Minny Winny by 7.

TAMPA BAY at New Orleans: The Aints always play the Succaqueers tough, so it should be closer than one would think. Passing offence was the key to last week's win for the Aints as Brooks threw for 3 TDs and no picks, but the Succaqueers should be able to take that element of the game away from them. I'm pretty sure the Succaqueers' offence will be able to pull it off since they managed 310 yards against the Bears and would have won if Matt Bryant could kick a 29 yard field goal. Succaqueers by 10.

Tennessee at INDIANPOLIS: Lock of the Week. The Flaming Thumbtacks allow a ton of points in every game, so this should be a mess for them. Colts by 20.

ARIZONA at San Francisco: Looks like Mexico City is going to sweep the Squared Sevens to make up for last season, when the Squared Sevens swept them. They both suck, but the Cardinals have a large advantage on offence in this one. Mexico City by 7.

WASHINGTON at St. Louis: So some Harvard quarterback comes into the game and leads Les Mouflons over the Moo Cows. Hell, I think if I had Isaac Bruce and Torry Holt on my team, I could go in at QB and get a win over the Moo Cows. Les Mouflons allow 29.7 points a game and they don't have much of a run defence. Redskins by 7.

DENVER at Kansas City: This one pits the #2 rushing offence against the #5 rushing defence, and the #4 rushing offence vs. the #1 rushing defence so look for a lot of passing here. In passing offence, KC has the advantage, and they're both pretty bad in terms of pass defence (Denver 28th, KC 29th.) However, I'm thinking that Denver's superior scoring defence will win it for them. I realize how good KC can be at home, but the bookie shows the Broncos no respect here as they're only 0.5 point favourites. Broncos by 7.

NY Jets at NEW ENGLAND: Jersey/B is very very good on pass defence (though Mike Vicks 116 yard 3 INT effort might be skewing the stats...) Bollinger had a pretty inspiring effort against the 5th ranked pass defence last week, throwing for 251 yards and a TD, no picks, and New England's pass defence is 31st. But the Patriots win because their running backs will have no trouble with Jersey/B. 9.5 point spread for NE is way too high as usual. Patriots by 7.

Oakland at SAN DIEGO: Survived a scare in Washington last week, and Tomlinson's 41 yard OT touchdown was enough to cover the spread for me (thank God.) Oakland's rush defence is similar to Washington's and while we shouldn't expect another 181 yard 3 TD performance from LT, we shouldn't rule it out either. The only problem is that at some point during the game, some poor Superchargers defender will be scorched by Randy Moss. It won't be a problem for them if they only let it happen once or twice. Superchargers by 10.

SEATTLE at Philadelphia: The Seahawks are off to their best start since 1984 (coincidentally, that was the last time they won a playoff game...) I rarely pick against the Eagles at home (especially on Monday Night) but Seahags have the best offence in the league and the Eagles have the 25th ranked defence. The only problem is that the Seahawks have snatched victory from the jaws of defeat two weeks in a row now as (thankfully) former Falcon kicker Jay Feely missed three game-winning field goals which makes me wonder how much longer they can stay lucky. Seahags by 7.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Movie #7

7: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

McMurphy has been dating a fifteen year old (fifteen going on thirty-five) and is sentenced for a short term for contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Rather than spend his time in jail, he convinces the guards that he's crazy enough to need psychiatric care and is sent to a hospital. He fits in frighteningly well, and his different point of view actually begins to cause some of the patients to progress. Nurse Ratched becomes his personal cross to bear as his resistence to the hospital routine gets on her nerves.

What a slit-your-wrists-feelgood kind of movie! This is ranked as high as it is just because I'm a big Jack Nicholson fan, and this was by far his best performance. I thought the characters were very well developed, and Louise Fletcher pulled off the role as super-hag Nurse Ratched flawlessly. Jack Nicholson actually watched ECT therapy being performed during production so he could get the scene right, and there's even a rumour that he actually underwent shock therapy in the scene where his character does. Apparently, it's nothing like the fact, Ken Kesey refused to watch the finished movie and sued the producers for "butchering" his story!

...And I had no idea that Billy played Grima Wormtongue in the Lord of the Rings and that he was the voice of Chucky in the Child's Play movies. Maybe I didn't pick it up because Chucky didn't stutter like Billy...Also, this was Doc Brown's very first movie.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest was nominated for nine Oscars and is only the second movie to ever win the "Big Five" (Best Picture, Director, Screenplay, Actor, Actress.) 10 points to whoever knows which other movie won the Big Five...

Wednesday, November 30, 2005


So last weekend was super sports weekend...woohoo!

Thursday: Falcons win 27-7 in Detroit
Friday: Oilers win 2-1 (SO) in Calgary
Sunday: Smos win the Grey Cup, beating the Als 38-35 in OT

And on top of that, I produced my second winner of the season on Sports Select, collecting $45. Oddly enough, it was the one game that Heather got wrong this week that won it for me. Sorry Lady...

I blew off class on Tuesday to see the Grey Cup celebration at City Centre Mall. Hugh Campbell dedicated the win to everyone on the team who didn't play in the Grey Cup either because of injury or coaching decision, Danny Maciocia gushed that the fans are the 13th man...but number one in his heart, and Stephen Mandel declared November 29, 2005 to be Edmonton Eskimos Day. His little declaration started off with "Whereas it's party time in Edmonton..." and I just lost it right there...I didn't hear the rest of what he said. He was also hanging out with the cheer sluts and doing cheerleading tricks with them, which was also pretty funny. That's our slutty mayor!

Lastly, I'm making a promise to not talk about the upcoming election until it is over. There are plenty of blogs already doing that. All you need to know is that I'll hopefully be working as a DRO on election day again so if you eat your ballot, it may be me getting your ass arrested.

Oh here, have a picture too. This one is of Auntie Barb and I drinking Bailey's on my 18th birthday. Instead of handing out cigars when I was born, my dad handed out booze...Auntie Barb saved two of them for drinking on this very special day. Cheers, Auntie Barb!

Movie #8

8: Fargo

Jerry Lundegaard hires two men to kidnap his wife so he can get his rich father in law to pay the ransom of $1,000,000. Once the ransom is paid the kidnappers will get $40,000 and Jerry gets the rest. That's the plan, but what happens is something totally different. Blood is shed when a cop and two innocent people are killed. Marge Gunderson is the Chief who investigates the murders. While Marge investigates, Jerry gets involved in deeper problems, ranging from financial troubles, to threats from the kidnappers.

A hilarious dark comedy film that was brilliantly acted and brilliantly written. But you'd never know it from the fact, it was misclassified as a thriller in the local video store in Strathmore. I consider Frances McDormand as Margie to be the best performance by an actress that I’ve ever seen. It sure makes a lot of fun of people from Minnesota and their accent, but the Coen brothers are Minnesota natives, so I suppose it’s fair play. An interesting piece of trivia is that none of Jerry's stuttering mannerisms were ad-libbed...they're all written right into the screenplay (see for yourself!)

Imagine me going to see this movie at the age of 11 with my parents close to Christmas. Now THAT's funny! I guess my mom thought the idea of people laughing at this movie was horrible since she thought it was based on a true story, but that's just a ruse at the beginning of the all came from the Coen brothers' imagination.

Fargo was nominated for seven Oscars including Best Picture and won two, including Best Actress for Frances McDormand. I still can't believe Fargo got beat out by that STUPID English Patient! I think that's a bigger crime than what took place in the movie!

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Movie #11

EDIT: Sorry about getting the order all messed happened when I forgot to change the date when I drafted this post...

11. Sideways

Miles Raymond, a failed writer and divorcé who teaches junior high school English takes his best friend, former hot actor Jack, on a weeklong drive up to California's wine country. There they explore the nature of their failures and question their relationships. Jack, about to get married, has an affair with a woman and wonders whether he should call off his wedding. Miles questions whether or not he made the right choice while trying to form a relationship with the woman's best friend, a fellow oenophile who is a waitress at a restaurant that he frequents often when visiting that part of the country.

It’s got a great screenplay (based on the novel by Rex Pickett) and I think if I knew how to read, I'd put that one on my reading list. I’ve heard a few people don’t like this movie because the characters are really unlikeable…I didn’t find that to be the case…I actually felt sorry for Miles, but it occurred to me that whether you liked or disliked the characters wasn’t really important. What’s even more astonishing is how this film is actually successful in juxtaposing a human life with a bottle of wine. But remember that despite how complex wine seems, beer is infinitely more complicated to make than wine. Always remember that. ;)

Sideways was nominated for five Oscars and won Best Screenplay Adaptation. But I find it really astonishing that even this could not beat that piece of shit Million Dollar Baby movie for Best Picture. The Academy's Clint Eastwood hard-on is showing and hopefully, it's really embarrassing.

Movie #9

9: Forrest Gump

The story follows the life of low I.Q. Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks) and his meeting with the love of his life Jenny. The film chronicles his accidental experiences with some of the most important people and events in America from the late 1950's through the 1970's including a meeting with Elvis Presley, JFK, Lyndon Johnson, Richard Nixon, fighting in Vietnam, etc. The problem is, he's too stupid to realize the significance of his actions.

I believe that this movie will be remembered as an American classic 30 years after the fact. It represents a really great story involving elements of destiny and the American dream. Forrest becomes representative of the baby boomer generation having walked through life blindly. It represents a lot of important historical periods in the post-WWII American South almost as if they were seen through the eyes of a child. Also, on destiny: Forrest, according to Lieutenant Dan's definition of destiny, was doomed to be a retard who went to a special school and worked at Wal-Mart, but instead, he became so much more than that: College graduate, football star, war hero, national celebrity, millionaire, and father. But if you follow Mama's definition, you make your own destiny and nothing is ever set. The film doesn't make a definitive argument for either side, as there are a lot of things that happen to Forrest that he has no control over, so I guess it lets the viewers decide...

Forrest Gump was nominated for thirteen Oscars and won six including Tom Hanks' second consecutive Best Actor award and Best Picture. This is really a remarkable accomplishment considering this film had to go head-to-head with Pulp Fiction...

Movie #10

10: Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

U.S. Air Force Colonel Jack Ripper goes completely and utterly mad, and sends his bomber wing to destroy the U.S.S.R. He suspects that the communists are conspiring to pollute the "precious bodily fluids" of the American people. The U.S. president meets with his advisors, where the Soviet ambassador tells him that if the U.S.S.R. is hit by nuclear weapons, it will trigger a "Doomsday Machine" which will destroy all plant and animal life on Earth. Peter Sellers portrays the three men who might avert this tragedy: British Group Captain Lionel Mandrake, the only person with access to the demented Gen. Ripper; U.S. President Merkin Muffley, whose best attempts to divert disaster depend on placating a drunken Soviet Permier and the former Nazi genius Dr. Strangelove, who concludes that "such a device would not be a practical deterrent for reasons which at this moment must be all too obvious". Will the bombers be stopped in time, or will General Jack Ripper succeed in destroying the world ?

Required viewing for anyone who is studying (or has studied) Cold War history and/or U.S./U.S.S.R. relations. It's an excellent satire on both. And what's funniest of all is that the book this is based on ("Red Alert") is actually a thriller...when Stanley Kubrick wrote the screenplay, he decided that some of the scenes were actually quite funny. I especially like the scenes where President Muffley is on the phone with Premier Kissoff and Gen. Turgidson's conflicts with the Russian ambassador.

Dr. Strangelove was nominated for four Oscars including Best Picture but didn't win shit.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Movie #12

12: Apocalypse Now

Burnt out Captain Willard is sent into the jungle with orders to find and kill Colonel Kurtz who has set up his own army within the jungle. As he descends into the jungle he is slowly over taken by the jungles mesmerizing powers and the battles and insanity which surround him. His crew succumbs to drugs and is slowly killed off one by one. As Willard continues his journey he becomes more and more like the man he was sent to kill.

This is such a great film, but was an unmitigated disaster to produce. Apparently Martin Sheen was so freaked out by this movie that he had a heart attack during filming. No wonder he's such a peacenik now (Team America, anyone?) Shooting was supposed to take six weeks but took sixteen months. Typhoons destroyed sets delaying production for four months. Marlon Brando showed up drunk and 40 kg overweight. He hadn't read Heart of Darkness (the Joseph Conrad novel the movie is loosely based on) or the script, and when he finally read the script, he refused to do it. He squabbled with Coppola over the lines and Coppola eventually got so fed up he turned the filming of Brando's scenes over to the assistant director. But the writing is excellent and the acting is superb, although some of it really isn't acting at all...Martin Sheen really was drunk in the opening scene and tried to attack Francis Ford Coppola, and I think Marlon Brando was really a lot like Kurtz, with his private island and all that.

Apocalypse Now was nominated for eight Oscars including Best Picture and won two. It also won the Palme D'Or...before the film was even finished.

Grey Cup 2005 and NFL Week 12

Well kids, it's like Christmas I write this, only 18 hours until kickoff. I have a few thoughts on the game but my crystal ball has been clouded over by homerism and I can't see things too clearly. The key to the game for Edmonton is pass defence. If they can actually get their three man rush to work and put some pressure on Calvillo, game over. He's talented but he can't throw from his back or while scrambling franticly to get away from the defender. As for the Smos QB situation...if Ricky sticks to the underneath stuff and the short completions, he'll be fine, and they'll also control the time of possession. If he tries to be like Jason Maas and starts throwing the long ball...well, then Maciocia will just put in Jason Maas.

Who do I pick to win? Like I said, I can't see into my crystal ball, so I'm just going to go out on a limb and say the Smos win their 13th. I believe.

Also, I'm happy to report that since I called out MacTerrible for losing seven in a row, the Oilers have won 11 of their last 15. Mo has put up some impressive numbers...he's 4-0-0, his GAA is 1.48 and his save percentage is .939. Go Mo!

Now for week 12 of the NFL...I didn't put up the Thanksgiving games but those who subscribe to the picks by e-mail know that I picked Atlanta and Dallas, so 1-1 so far. Here's the rest:

Baltimore at CINCINNATI: Lock of the Week. Cincy looked good against the Colts and matched them stride for stride in the first half. I'm a little disappointed that the Nevermores needed OT to beat Tommy Gunn, so the Tigers win this one easily. Bengals by 14.

CAROLINA at Buffalo: Carolina had their win streak snapped by the Bears, and it revealed what a good pass defence can do to the Panties. Buffalo also has a good pass defence, and since this game is in Buffalo, it has upset written all over it. It's also supposed to snow in Buffalo. But I still don't think Buffalo's offence can put up enough against the Panties D. I'll throw in my generic prediction of Panties by 3.

Chicago at TAMPA BAY: Turnovers by the Falcons won the game for the Succaqueers whereas they were relatively error-free. Both teams can stop the run, so it'll be a contest of which quarterback sucks the least. I'm going to have to go with Chris Simms over Kyle Orton. I am aware that the Bears have won 6 in a row, but I don't think they can make it 7 in Tampa Bay, given their road record. Succaqueers by 3.

Cleveland at MINNESOTA: And just like that, the Vikings are 5-5. How'd this happen? Perhaps they CAN rely on their defence to score the points. I'm not really sure who to take here, so home team wins. Minny Winny by 3.

New England at KANSAS CITY: How low can it go? New England's pass defence, that's now at #31! If Trent Green plays like he did last week the Pats don't stand a chance. The Pats might catch a break here since the Chiefs have a bad pass defence too, and this one will be all Brady vs. Green. Under any other circumstance, I'd take Brady in a second, but KC is just that good at home. Chiefs by 7.

SAN DIEGO at Washington: Truly unfortunate that a very good team in the AFC is going to be sitting at home watching the playoffs in January, and I've got a bad feeling it's going to be the Chargers. But they keep their hopes alive in this one...Washington has lost 9 in a row to AFC teams, this'll be number 10. Superchargers by 4.

San Francisco at TENNESSEE: If Air McNair has another game like he did last week, The squared sevens are in big trouble. But it really doesn't matter...San Fran is dead last in total offence and dead last in total defence. Flaming Thumbtacks by 10.

ST. LOUIS at Houston: What a season for Les Mouflons...Bulger goes down AGAIN. I still think Les Mouflons can beat the Moo Cows...if they don't, and Seattle wins, Seattle clinches the NFC West this Sunday, no joke! St. Louis lets the other team score 30 points on them on average, so look for the Moo Cows to finally get some scores. But in the end, it'll be Les Mouflons by 7.

JACKSONVILLE at Arizona: Looked like Jax really tried to give the Flaming Thumbtacks the game but fell just short. They take their number one pass defence to face a team that doesn't have a running game, so it's pretty easy to figure out what's going to happen. Jaguars by 7.

Miami at OAKLAND: I'm still wondering how the Marine Mammals could get shut out by the Browns...maybe it was the 67 yards passing, (perhaps I was wrong about Rosenfels...he sucks ass) but the running game should have been enough to seal the deal at least once. Oakland comes off a pretty monstrous win, handing the Skins their first loss at home. Miami's pass defence is about where it should be to limit the Raiders passing attack, and Oakland's got kind of a Falcons-like run defence, so this one's close anyway. Raiders by 3.

Green Bay at PHILADELPHIA: Green Bay looks like they've finally put an offence together, and it doesn't look like Philly can say the same about Mike McMahon just yet. This is where having about four running plays in the book comes back to haunt you. A loss here gives the Eagles the dubious distinction of being as bad as the Lions. And it's not just McNabb either...the loss of Lito Sheppard stings too. But since the Packers haven't won in Philly since 1962, I'm going to take a risk on this one. Eagles by 1.

NY Giants at SEATTLE: Seattle got to 8-2 by beating some pretty weak ass teams, but weak ass teams seems to be the story of the NFC West. They've already swept the Cards and Les Mouflons, and there's no doubt they'll get the next one against San Fran. But Jersey/A just doesn't have a good road record. Granted, their losses were to the Chargers and Cowboys, but Seattle's just as good of a team as they are. Seattle faces nothing but tough teams starting with this one, so they'll need to start this final stretch on a good note. Jersey/A's pass defence isn't good enough to stop Hasselbeck who's making a serious case for the Pro Bowl this year. Seahags by 3.

NEW ORLEANS at NY Jets: A couple of terrible teams here...someone's losing streak is going to end. The Aints win it because despite losing Deuce, they actually have quite a respectable running game. In terms of defence, they're both pretty much the same, but the Aints are leagues ahead of Jersey/B offensively. Aints by 7.

Pittsburgh at INDIANAPOLIS: The Colts sure had their way with the Bengals and made their 10th ranked pass defence look like the Strathmore Spartans. Thus, there is no doubt in my mind anymore that this is the team that'll win the Super Bowl. The Steelers have a pass defence that's ranked pretty close to the Bengals, so I'm expecting the same result as last week. I know it's dangerous to bet against Roethlisberger's regular season record, but if New England beat him, so can the Colts. Colts by 14.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Movie #13

13: Jurassic Park

On a remote island, a wealthy entrepreneur secretly creates a theme park featuring living dinosaurs drawn from prehistoric DNA. Before opening the attraction to the public, he invites a top paleontologist, a paleobotanist, a mathematician/theorist, and his two eager grandchildren to experience the park -- and help calm anxious investors. However, their park visit is anything but tranquil as the park's security system breaks down, the prehistoric creatures break out, and the excitement builds to surprising results.

Perhaps one of the greatest science fiction stories ever made. What makes it so good is that it's not a science fiction story that's set hundreds of years in the takes place in the present day. When it came out in '93, it was my absolute favourite movie...I had all the toys, all the clothes, and all the cheap shit that had the Jurassic Park label attached to it. However, taking genetics classes has kind of spoiled it for me because it now seems far fetched that they'd be able to clone dinosaurs when a lot of cloning techniques and technology were pretty much brand new (heck, I don't see how they could have sequenced the genomes of 15 different dinosaur species to see the gene sequence gaps using 80's/early 90's computer technology.) Stupid learning...
Jurassic Park was nominated for three Oscars and won all three, including Best Sound, Best Sound Effects Editing and Best Visual Effects. Make no mistake, the special effects are still impressive to this day. Somebody correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it was one of the first movies to use CGI.

For some extra reading check out The Flubs of Jurassic Park. Especially check this picture out if you love crew/equipment visible as much as I do.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Movie #14

14. Back to the Future

Michael J. Fox stars as Marty McFly, a typical American teenager of the Eighties accidently sent back to 1955 in a plutonium-powered DeLorean "time machine" invented by slightly mad scientist Christopher Lloyd. During his often hysterical, always amazing trip back in time, Marty must make certain his teenage parents-to-be, Crispin Glover and Lea Thompson, meet and fall in love -- so he can get back to the future.

Back to the Future is pretty much the movie that defined the 80's...a Delorean and a soundtrack by Huey Lewis and the could you go wrong? I like it because it combines science fiction with drama so well that it can't really be considered one or the other. I also have a bit of a soft spot for movies that have alternate realities or raise "what if?" scenarios, like how all the small things Marty changes in the past affect future events. And for the science fiction types, there's an endless discussion about time travel that you can have after watching this movie (like if time travel were possible, how come we haven't been flooded by visitors from the future, huh??) Plus, I think we've all wondered at one point what our parents were like in high school, what their interests were, and why they've changed.

The funny thing is I used to HATE this movie when I was used to serve as my babysitter when I was over at one of my friend's house and I saw it so much that I got sick of it (plus I was four and really didn't understand what the hell was going on anyway...)

Back to the Future was nominated for four Oscars and won for Best Sound Effects Editing (woohoo.) Does anyone find it funny that Huey Lewis picked up a nomination for Best Song for "The Power of Love?" I sure do.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Movie #15

15. The Silence of the Lambs

Young FBI agent Clarice Starling is assigned to help find a missing woman to save her from a psychopathic serial killer who skins his victims. Clarice attempts to gain a better insight into the twisted mind of the killer by talking to another psychopath Hannibal Lecter, who used to be a respected psychiatrist. FBI agent Jack Crawford believes that Lecter who is also a very powerful and clever mind manipulator have the answers to their questions to help locate the killer. Clarice must first try and gain Lecter's confidence before he is to give away any information, and in order to do that, she must feed his morbid curiosity with details about her own complicated life.

This is up at #15 solely because of the acting, which was brilliant. For a psychological thriller such as this one to work, the characters have to really sell the story, which Jodi Foster and Anthony Hopkind do a fantastic job of. I think the fact that Lecter uses a ton of riddles is why the film messes with your mind. And I'm not just talking about the ones that Clarice figures out...For example, Lecter describes one of his sketches as "The Duomo, seen from the Belvedere," as a reference to Buffalo Bill's hometown of Belvedere, Ohio, and stresses "Simplicity" not only as an urging to keep things simple, but as a reference to the dress company Simplicity.

This was originally a sequel to Manhunter, which flopped so badly that the producer gave the rights to Silence of the Lambs to Orion for free (D'oh!)

The Silence of the Lambs won five Oscars, including Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actress (Foster) and Best Actor (Hopkins.) Note that Hopkins 16 minutes of on-screen time was the shortest to ever earn a leading actor Oscar.

And a little added note for all you CSI criminology types: Buffalo Bill is actually a hybrid of three serial killers: Ted Bundy, Ed Gein, and Gary Heidnick, and Hannibal Lecter is based on Albert Fish.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Movie #16

16. The Royal Tenenbaums

The Royal Tenenbaums revolves around Royal Tenenbaum (Gene Hackman), the errant patriarch of a dysfunctional family of geniuses, including precocious playwright Margot (Gwyneth Paltrow), boyish financier and grieving widower Chas (Ben Stiller), and has-been tennis pro Richie (Luke Wilson). All were raised with supportive detachment by mother Etheline (Anjelica Huston), and all ache profoundly for a togetherness they never really had. The Tenenbaums reconcile somehow, but only after Anderson and Wilson (who costars as a loopy literary celebrity) put them through a compassionate series of quirky confrontations and rekindled affections.

Wes Anderson's only done four films and he's already got a pretty large cult following. This one's like all his others, with dry subtle humour, a pretty bizarre blot, and Owen Wilson and Bill Murray. You really have to keep your eyes peeled in this one and notice the things like all the clothes, music, and vehicles are from the 70s (the characters are stuck in the era of their heyday), and that each character has a musical instrument corresponding to them (when we see Margot, we hear a harp). In any case, if you can appreciate all the small things in this movie, it's fall down funny. I think it would also be a good one for Mr. Truckey's English 30 class.

The Royal Tenenbaums was nominated for one Oscar (Original Screenplay) and did not win.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Movie #17

17: Rocky

Rocky Balboa is a struggling boxer trying to make the big time. Working in a meat factory in Philadelphia for a pittance, he also earns extra cash as a debt collector. When heavyweight champion Apollo Creed visits Philadelphia, his managers want to set up an exhibition match between Creed and a struggling boxer, touting the fight as a chance for a "nobody" to become a "somebody". The match is supposed to be easily won by Creed, but someone forgot to tell Rocky, who sees this as his only shot at the big time.

I like this movie because it isn't really about winning or losing...It's about determination, the unbreakable human spirit, and the willingness to "go the distance." Rocky explains to Adrian "Ah come on, Adrian, it's true. I was nobody. But that don't matter either, you know? 'Cause I was thinkin', it really don't matter if I lose this fight. It really don't matter if this guy opens my head, either. 'Cause all I wanna do is go the distance. Nobody's ever gone the distance with Creed, and if I can go that distance, you see, and that bell rings and I'm still standin', I'm gonna know for the first time in my life, see, that I weren't just another bum from the neighborhood." Plus Rocky's got one of the greatest montages of all time (running up the museum stairs to "Gonna Fly Now.)

Rocky was nominated for ten Oscars and won three, including Best Picture.

And it better not be true what they're saying about a sixth movie...

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Movie #18

18: The Big Lebowski

And The Dude just wanted his rug back. This is one that you really have to follow and watch over and over again to fully appreciate. Quite a few lines are repeated throughout the movie (for example, George Bush is seen on TV saying "This aggression will not stand," and The Dude later repeats this to the Big Lebowski, and "That rug really tied the room together...") It's classic Coen Brothers writing, using a lot of dark comedy. There are a ton of great quotes from this one, so I'll just share a few of my favourites.
[Maude shows the porn video starring Bunny to the Dude]
Sherry in 'Logjammin': [on video] You must be here to fix the cable.
Maude: Lord. You can imagine where it goes from here.
The Dude: He fixes the cable?
The Dude: What's in the fuckin' carrier?
Walter Sobchak: Huh? Oh, that's Cynthia's dog. I think it's a Pomeranian. I can't leave him home alone or he eats the furniture. I'm watching him while Cynthia and Marty Ackerman are in Hawaii.
The Dude: You brought the fuckin' Pomeranian bowling?
Walter Sobchak: What do you mean brought it bowling, Dude? I didn't rent it shoes. I'm not buying it a fucking beer. He's not taking your fucking turn, Dude.
The Dude: Man, if my fuckin' ex-wife asked me to take care of her fuckin' dog while she and her boyfriend went to Honolulu I'd tell her to go fuck herself.
Younger Cop: And was there anything of value in the car?
The Dude: Oh, uh, yeah, uh... a tape deck, some Creedence tapes, and there was a, uh... uh, my briefcase. Younger Cop: [expectant pause] In the briefcase?
The Dude: Uh, uh, papers, um, just papers, uh, you know, uh, my papers, business papers.
Younger Cop: And what do you do, sir?
The Dude: I'm unemployed.
Jeffrey "The Dude" Lebowski is the ultimate LA slacker, until one day his house is broken into and his rug is peed on by two angry gangsters who have mistaken him for Jeffrey Lebowski, the LA millionaire, whose wife owes some bad people some big money. The Dude becomes entangled in the plot when he goes to visit the real Lebowski in order to get some retribution for his soiled rug, and is recruited to be the liason between Lebowski and the captors of his now "kidnapped" wife.

The Big Lebowski was nominated for no Oscars, and I think I can understand why. It was nominated for a bunch of European shit, and won Best Foreign Film as decided by the Russian Guild of Film Critics. Those Russians have great taste in movies, I must say.

NFL Week 11

Alright, we've finally hit the 16 game schedule! But only two extra games and it seems like these damn picks are taking forever...I was 10-4 last week, and I am 87-57 on the season.

Arizona at ST. LOUIS: Mexico City looks like they're getting Anquan Boldin back, and with Kurt Warner back at QB, the Mexico City passing attack may be able to do some damage. But the Rams have an even better passing offence, plus some kind of running game. The Eagles are no longer last in rushing...the Cardinals and their 38 rushing yards last week have taken over that title. The Rams are 30th in total defence, and Mexico City hasn't won on the road yet. Les Mouflons by 6.

CAROLINA at Chicago: Oh cripes, do you take the team that's won 5 in a row or do you take the team that's won 6 in a row? Do you take the team that's 4-1 at home or the team that's 3-1 on the road? Looking at the stats, Carolina has the answer to Chicago's rushing attack, but Chicago's got the answer to the Panties' passing attack. The Panties have a much better total offence though. There's also more on the line for the Panties...the Bears will win the division easily and they know it. I'll take the Panties by 3.

Detroit at DALLAS: Imagine my surprise when that Dallas receiver with the 58 yard catch happened to be Peerless! Other than that, the Boys' offence didn't have a productive night at all in Philly. Detroit actually has a better defence than Philly, but I can't say no to the Boys at home. Cowboys by 10.

JACKSONVILLE at Tennessee: I think last week's shellacking of the Ravens answered any questions about the Jaguars offence. And little known fact...who now has the number one pass defence? The Jags do! Flaming Thumbtacks have lost 4 in a row, better make it 5. Jaguars by 7.

MIAMI at Cleveland: If Sage Rosenfels plays, it's not the end of the world...he did pretty well for himself in the pre-season, putting up a 103.8 rating with the second team offence, and all he'll have to do in this one is hand the ball off. The Marine Mammals had last week's game well within reach, but they did the ridiculous play-calling thing again...1st and goal at the Pats 5, 2:47 left in the game, 3 timeouts left, down by 7. Four straight passing plays, three incompletions and a completion to Ronnie for a loss, game over. Granted, ol' Gus Gus had thrown for 360 yards at that point, but Ronnie had been averaging 4.5 yards a carry...I think he could have gotten in with 4 tries at it. They will have to use Ronnie and Ricky a lot more to win this game. Marine Mammals by 7.

New Orleans at NEW ENGLAND: So we've all seen this before...the Aints at 2-7 (actually, it was 2-8 last year) and they clawed their way back up to .500. It could happen again, but it would be a bad idea...they should be playing for good draft picks now. The Patriots scoring defence is almost as bad as the Saints (New England allows 26.2 points a game), so take the Aints to beat the spread. Patriots by 7.

Oakland at WASHINGTON: I'm not too sure on this one...Mark Brunell has been struggling lately. However, Washington is still perfect at home, so that's what I'll go with. Washington also has the 9th ranked pass defence and should be able to outgain the Raiders on offence no problem. Redskins by 7.

Philadelphia at NY GIANTS: Easy pick for Roy Williams, touchdown, and the Eagles are on their first losing streak in a long time. Jersey/A took a bad one against the Vikings, but at least one of the Jersey/A guys got to hit Mike Tice (which was really funny, by the way.) Seems that when it looks like Jersey/A has everything working for them, something goes to shit (in this case, special teams coverage!) Their D played really well again, holding the Vikings offence to 3 points and 156 total yards. Plus, the Eagles are sans McNabb, so looks like this losing streak goes to 4 games. Jersey/A by 7.

Pittsburgh at BALTIMORE: Pepto Bismol Upset of the Week. Roethlisberger probably won't make it for this one, and Tommy Gunn can't beat Baltimore's D. The Nevermores keep beating themselves with their low voltage offence, so it'll be interesting anyway. Nevermores by 3.

Tampa Bay at ATLANTA: Turnovers cost the Falcons big time against the Packers, not to mention their pass defence wasn't up to the challenge. It's going to be hard to justify picking the Falcons after that, especially since they let a running back that nobody's ever heard of run all over them last week and now they've got to face Cadillac. On the plus side, Vick's passer rating is slowly improving, and he's situated below little Manning, but above Trent Dildo. As for Tampa, the "Dick Vermeil Iron Balls Award" for week 10 goes to Jon Gruden, for being down 35-28, with 58 seconds left, scoring a TD and going for two, resulting in a 36-35 win for the Succaqueers. I could hardly believe what I was seeing. Also, I'm taking into account Jimmy Jr.'s 5-1 record following a loss, and I can't see the Falcons losing back to back in the Dome. Falcons by 1 (the spread is 6! If you play point spread, take Tampa! Not me though, I make it a habit never to bet against the birds.)

SEATTLE at San Francisco: Lock of the Week. Dangerous business picking a road team as the lock, especially if that road team is Seattle, and given how the Squared Sevens seem to be playing 3 good quarters of football lately, but I'm still going to have to go with the number one offence against the number thirty-two defence. Seahawks by 28.

Buffalo at SAN DIEGO: Jeez, JP Losman takes over and lights it up, didn't see that one coming. Losman gets the start this week, obviously. This will be a tougher one for the Bills since San Diego's got quite the offence. This one will be all LaDainian, as usual, but Drew Brees could screw this up for them if he gets picked off 3 times like Trent Green. Superchargers by 14.

INDIANAPOLIS at Cincinnati: Game of the week! If the Colts are going to lose at all before they've got things wrapped up in the AFC and are resting their starters, it's going to be this one. I think that Cincy's D will be able to pick off a Peyton wobbler or two, I'm just not so sure Carson's up to the challenge against Indy's defence. Colts by 7.

NY Jets at DENVER: Pretty easy pick here, the Broncos are 7-2 and Jersey/B is 2-7. Denver's D still allows a ton of yards, but are pretty stingy with the points. The Broncos #2 rushing offence will run all over the Jets #29 rush defence. I agree with Indian...Jets will beat the spread, but barely. Broncos by 13.

KANSAS CITY at Houston: The Cow Skulls have a better pass defence than the Chiefs, but I still don't think that offence can produce enough to get the win. This one's up to Larry Johnson cutting up that #32 ranked run defence. Chiefs by 14.

Minnesota at GREEN BAY: Two teams who have been sucking slough water the whole season and they both got wins last week. So it makes it all the more difficult. I just can't pick the Vikings after their offence played so poorly, and they can't rely on their special teams and defence to always score the points. If Green Bay's special teams coverage is up to the task, and the offence can keep the turnovers under control, they'll win this one easily. Packers by 10.