Here is the portrait of a man who's on pace to throw for 3940 yards and 38 TDs and only 8 INTs this season. The girl he's with is pure evil though...I mean, look at those red eyes. Poor Eli's too drunk to notice it seems...
Anyway, here's what I've seen in my crystal ball:
ATLANTA at New Orleans: Imagine my surprise after paying 10 bucks for the Falcons game and hearing that Vick's not playing. Oh well, it just made it all the more exciting. Here's the only stat you need: since last season, the Falcons are 4-1 in games following a loss. Vick is still listed as questionable right now, which is really annoying, because everyone knows he'll play. The key to this game for the Falcons is to shut down the long passing plays, which they didn't do last week. The Saints just lost their best player, so you should expect to see their offence in shambles this week. Add to that a defence that let a winless team score 52 points on them and this one's pretty obvious. Falcons by 21.
Carolina at DETROIT: Flippy the Coin Special. If the Panties can only beat Zona 24-20, then they're going to run into problems against good teams. The Lions had a nice win over the Ravens. The Panties have a huge weakness in their passing defence, and if Joey Harrington is able to put up more than 97 yards against it, they should be able to win. Ravens surrendered 4 rushing TDs, but Carolina has a much better run defence than Baltimore. Detroit gave up 177 yards on the ground, but no TDs. Panties running game is in shambles with Stephen Davis AND DeShaun Foster out this week. I don't know who to pick, so Flippy picked the Lions for me (by 3.)
CINCINNATI at Tennessee: Tennessee's win last week proved nothing, because the Strathmore Spartans could beat the Houston Texans. I don't know a lot about Tennessee, and I really wish they'd played a good team last week so the choice would be a little bit easier. McNair seems to be doing pretty well for himself, but I think that Cincy's balance passing/rushing attack should be enough to win this one for them. Bengals by 7.
Cleveland at BALTIMORE: I never know when to pick Baltimore, and so far, they are leading in the Team That Screws Me Over category this year. Their pass defence is still solid, and should be able to prevent Trent Dilfer from racking up the yards. Cleveland also ranks 30th in run defence, so it'll be Jamal Lewis' game to lose. Nevermores by 10.
JACKSONVILLE at Pittsburgh: Pittsburgh's got a pretty bad QB situation. Roethlisberger will probably not play, and Maddox's primary job will be to hand the ball off. Jaguars are awful against the run, but they should be able to handle the predictable play calling. Jaguars by 3.
Miami at TAMPA BAY: A boneheaded call by Jon Gruden to kick a field goal trailing 14-9 with 4:05 remaining in the 4th, facing 4th and 4 on the Jersey/B 12 cost them their undefeated record. Even if you miss, you still pin the lack lustre Jersey/B offence deep in their own end. Not that I'm complaining. I'm actually pulling for the Marine Mammals in this one for a change. Miami's run defence is second only to Tampa Bay's, so look for this one to be mostly passing. As far as passing offence, they're pretty much dead even, but give the edge to Tampa on defence. Succaqueers by 7.
Minnesota at CHICAGO: I chose the Bears for this one because NFC North teams so far this season are 0-8 on the road. And what do you know, the Vikings have a sex scandal to deal with now. That's just what they need. I thought I was being very football saavy, originally putting this one as the Pepto, but the bookie also appears to have little faith in the Vikings. Bears by 10.
NY GIANTS at Dallas: I think the win against Philadelphia was somewhat deceptive. We've seen it before...if the Eagles dig themselves a hole early in the game, Fat Andy and the rest of the coaches seem to just give up on the game. The only thing about Jersey/A is that they give up 425 yards a game on defence. As bad as that is, it only translates to 24.5 points a game, and they have the top scoring offence in the league. Jersey/A by 7.
Washington at KANSAS CITY: Washington had 400 yards of offence against Denver and still lost. They've got major problems with putting points up on the board. Their defence is really good, but I still can't say no to Kansas City at home. I'm also hearing about KC getting Willie Roaf back, which will help things out on the O-line in a huge way and will let Trent Green and Priest Holmes finally put up some decent numbers. Chiefs by 3.
NEW ENGLAND at Denver: Pepto Bismol Upset of the Week...What the hell?? The Pats are 2.5 point underdogs in Denver of all places. Might have something to do with the Patriots being ranked 29th in scoring defence. Denver will be hungry for the win to prove once and for all that they are contenders this year. Let's see if Tom Brady can save his team from losing again. Patriots by 3.
NY Jets at BUFFALO: Okay, I take it back. J.P. Losman sucks. Penalties by Miami's defence gave Buffalo the win last week. Jersey/B has an O-Line that's actually worse than Buffalo's, as hard as that is to believe, so as long as they keep Vinny on his back, they should be able to hold on to win this one. Bills by 7.
SAN DIEGO at Oakland: Oakland has a half-decent run defence, but that might be because they haven't had to face Tomlinson yet. San Diego allows 240 passing yards per game, which ranks them 26th in the league. Randy Moss and Cocaine Collins will probably have a big day. This one seems like it's going to be a shootout, with the Superchargers winning by 7.
Houston at SEATTLE: Lock of the Week. Seattle is actually one of those few teams with a balanced passing and rushing attack. Houston can't seem to defend either the pass or the rush, so it doesn't really matter anyway. Texans are also on pace to obliterate the league record in sacks allowed. Seahags by 35.
St. Louis at INDIANAPOLIS: Indianapolis leads in almost every statistical category in the NFL. Compare that with Les Mouflons, who are really nothing special. Bulger has thrown for the most yards so far, but Indy's defence has only allowed 2 passing TDs all season. Plus, Bulger has been sacked 20 times already and is going up against one of the better D-Lines. They may also be missing Torry Holt for this one. Les Mouflons only rush for 83 yards a game on average, so they won't be able to count on that either. Colts by 21.
3 comments:
Maybe we could compromise: If you're going to post about sports, at least post about real sports ie., not the NFL.
Why would I compromise? Am I here to fucking amuse and entertain you?
Yes. Did you get the memo, Peter?
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