Emergency Press Conference

Thank you all for coming...

The worst of my fears has come true. My application to graduate from university was denied. I thought I had it all worked out, but I was wrong...again. Apparently, I needed a 2.3 GPA to graduate and I only got a 2.1. In short, I'm going to need to take two more classes before they release me from their stranglehold. That means going back in the fall, something I swore I would never do. I guess that makes me a loser and a failure. A couple of people have already told me that nobody's going to think any less of me for it, but I think I'll let people make up their own damn minds. I'm a thumbprint on the window of a skyscraper. I'm a smudge of excrement on a tissue paper surging out to sea with a million tons of raw sewage.

Just thinking about it makes me want to retch. I have passed all the required courses for a degree in immunology. That means I've never failed a class and have never been on academic warning of any kind. So now they tell me that I'm not in good standing in the program? That's the definition of a joke. I realize that continuing in the program each year requires a 2.3 GPA but nobody who's graduating is continuing in the program. It's a joke. And so many idiots can get through this program, so why couldn't I? Maybe it's because those idiots never did anything fun during university and are all trying to get into med and grad studies and just pulled the average up. It doesn't matter that I know maybe 60% of what I should have learned from the program, but since everyone else knows a little more than me I can't get the degree? That is also a joke!

Anyway, the rest of 2006 is going to be hell for me. The other day I realized that I couldn't even stand to look at the university buildings anymore but it was all OK because I would never have to go back there. Now, I'll not only have to look at the buildings, I'll also have to look at the inside of the damn classrooms from the view of one of the fucking desks. As disgusting as this notion is, I'll see it through to the end. I've been called many bad things...a liar, a loser, a cheat, a fink, an asshole, but never a quitter.

Anyway, since you all know me as a failure now, I suppose there's no reason to keep The Project under wraps. I kept it quiet because it had a pretty high chance of failing, and thinking back on it, I wonder why I even thought I could do it in the first place. I had been considering taking on The Project for a couple of years now, but when I discovered how to work out and gain weight, that's when I realized it could actually happen.

Let me just say this: when the clock read all zeros on October 27, 2001 in Okotoks, as the Strathmore High School Spartans lost to the Holy Trinity Knights 49-7 in the Big Sky Conference Semi-Finals, I knew that I would never play another down of competitive football again in my life. I didn't think, I knew. Well, it turns out that I was wrong...yet again. The reason I was trying to gain 20 lbs. was that so I could play football again, and there was a team out there that was willing to give me a chance: The Edmonton Stallions of the Alberta Football League. The AFL can be described as a combination beer/semi-pro league, in that everyone in the league is playing only for the love of the game, but the calibre of play is really quite high. Many of the players have junior or university experience. In fact, a few players have gone to the professional ranks in Europe (which admittedly, aren't all that professional) straight out of this league. A former player has even signed with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers. And now I'm a part of it, playing cornerback for the team that went 9-0 last season. Actually, it's not exactly finalized yet which is why I haven't brought it up until now, but it's highly unlikely I'm going to be cut loose from this at this point.

I know that some of you probably don't think it's a really big deal, but if that's what you think, fuck you. This has been a huge deal for me. It's made me believe that hard work and dedication toward a goal can lead to amazing results, something I haven't believed since the army rejected me for being allergic to peanuts. And as of this morning, it's pretty much the only reason I have for getting out of bed.

Anyway, that's what I'm doing this summer. I put our game schedule up under the Dumb Things I Gotta Do so hopefully you can make it out to a few games if you want. We do play twice at McMahon Stadium for you southerners out there, hopefully you can make it out.

I'll take your questions and comments now...