NFL Week 15

11-5 last week, 135-73 overall.

Tampa Bay at NEW ENGLAND: The Patriots have an impressive December record in recent years...I think they're 15-3 or something close to that. The Succaqueers are #2 in total defence but the Patriots are #5 in total offence so they should be able to take advantage at home. Patriots by 6.

Kansas City at NY GIANTS: Wow, Kansas City has taken over the top spot in the total offence category. That's because of Larry Johnson but Jersey/A is 8th in run defence. Both have pretty crappy pass defences, but Jersey/A's defence is stingier with the points. Jersey/A by 3.

DENVER at Buffalo: The Nevermores, in a game they lost by two points, reached the Denver 1, 15, 24, and 35 without scoring. Meanwhile, Buffalo is going with Kelly Holcomb again, which should be an improvement. But Buffalo's run defence is #31 and Denver has 3 running backs (Anderson, Dayne, and Bell) who have combined for 1933 yards this season. Broncos by 10, and as a result of the Chargers and Chiefs losing, 2005 AFC West Champions.

ARIZONA at Houston: I had to watch that missed field goal over and over in rapt fascination. Kris Brown sliced the hell out of the ball like some 12 year old kid at a driving range hitting golf balls with his dads driver. Simply astonishing. The Texans pass defence is brutal so the fact that Zona doesn't have a running game won't prevent them from winning. Zona by 7.

CAROLINA at New Orleans: Lock of the Week. Aaron Brooks is talking and playing like he won't be the Aints quarterback next season. He won't be for the rest of this season, anyway. They're replacing him with Todd Bouman, who has started in 3 games in his 8 year career and last started in '01 with the Vikings. The Panties offence wasn't able to do much last week, but given the Succaqueers defence, I don't blame them. Panties by 14.

NY Jets at MIAMI: So in order to set up that crucial AFC East championship game in week 17, the Dolphins will need to beat the Titans and Jersey/B and the Patriots will have to lose to the Succaqueers and Jersey/B. Then the Dolphins will have to beat the Patriots at home to win the division. Not too likely to happen given their luck at Foxboro in the past three seasons, but for all intents and purposes, the Marine Mammals are still in the playoff hunt. They'll have to rely on their running game for this one and shouldn't go as pass crazy as the last couple of games. Marine Mammals by 10.

Philadelphia at ST LOUIS: Tough call. I think Jamie Martin is way better than McMahon or Detmer, and that should be enough to get a win at home. This one will depend on Torry Holt and Isaac Bruce making the plays against a deplete Eagles secondary. Les Mouflons by 3 in a shootout.

PITTSBURGH at Minnesota: Pittsburgh was able to beat the Bears because of their rushing stats. The Viking's run defence isn't bad, but their pass defence won't give Roethlisberger fits like the Bears defence did. The Vikings are on a 6-game win streak, but the Steelers recently ended the Bears' 8-game win streak. Steelers by 3.

San Diego at INDIANAPOLIS: The Chargers really needed that one against the Fish...it would have put them a game up on the Steelers and Chiefs for the playoffs so now it's not likely that they'll make it. Since Indy doesn't play a meaningful game until January 14 at the earliest, I imagine they'll be playing their starters for most of the game, or at least until they're up by a healthy margin. Does Indy have a backup QB? (Apparently, it's Jim Sorgi, whoever that is) The Chargers pass defence loses another one for them, Lucky Charms by 17.

SEATTLE at Tennessee: Yawn. Another crappy team for the Seahawks to beat up on. Andre, my Titans fan friend, tried to convince me the Seahawks would get caught looking past the Titans and looking forward to the Colts next week, and he may have a point there. Plus, right before they beat the piss out of the Eagles, Madden pointed out that Seattle has a really shitty record in the eastern time zone. Both their losses this season occurred on the east coast. But even with all that, it'll still be Seahawks by 28.

San Francisco at JACKSONVILLE: The Jags are a virtual lock to make the playoffs now...their last 3 games are against the 49ers, Texans, and Titans. So they should be able to coast through on fumes. They can actually clinch a spot this week if the Steelers, Chiefs, and Chargers lose and the Broncos win, but the Steelers will win so the celebration will have to wait until next week. Jaguars by 14.

CINCINNATI at Detroit: If Weeds thought the refs blew it in Hotlanta, she clearly didn't watch Sunday night's Detroit/Green Bay contest. Since when does holding in the end zone not result in a safety, not to mention Samkon Gado's knee was down before he heave-hoed the pass that the ref threw the flag for intentional grounding on and then reversed himself! Ye Gods! Bengals by 14, 2005 AFC North Champions.

CLEVELAND at Oakland: If Charlie Frye plays the same kind of game he's been playing for the last two, then this one won't be close. Oakland appears to be descending into shambles as well...Norv's already putting Cocaine Collins back in and saying he's sorry. Browns by 7.

Dallas at WASHINGTON: The Skins only have 23 sacks on the season, which means that the Cowboys o-line might be able to give Bledsoe the 5 seconds he needs to stand around in the pocket. These two teams are fairly even, so I'm going to say home team wins and that this is Clinton Portis' game to lose. Redskins by 3.

ATLANTA at Chicago: Pepto Bismol Upset of the Week. Watching the Falcons is starting to remind me of watching the Oil...going to shit in midseason and then frantically trying to make the playoffs at the end. The Steelers put up 190 rushing yards against a defence that normally only allows 93 in a game. If that's what Parker and Bettis can do, I think Dunn and Duckett can do the same. They may be able to get some passing done...Chicago's pass defence is ranked second, but it looks like they'll be going with their second string free safety and third string strong safety because of injuries. Keys to the game: run the ball, don't go pass crazy like in Carolina, and the defence has got to put pressure on Kyle Orton. He tends to panic when there are guys in his face and forces the ball into coverage. The secondary also has to be there to grab those Orton wobblers. Also, they can't let Mike Vick get broken again and that'll be up to center Todd McClure and fullback Justin Griffith stopping Brian Urlacher from getting through. And the final key is not to commit any turnovers. Pittsburgh won because the Bears defence was unable to score a touchdown or put their own offence in great field position. It's sure to be cold in this game, Falcons by 3.

GREEN BAY at Baltimore: The Nevermores played great against a good Denver offence. I had originally thought that the Nevermores defence would be enough to win this one, but the Packers are right there with Baltimore in many defensive categories, and are actually first in pass defence in the league. Their only weakness is against the run, but Baltimore's running game is total crap. Packers by 3.